Blinded

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We all take things for granted from time to time. Some days are worse than others. But I can honestly say, before Gideon, I had never given a second thought about my ability to see.

I have worried for some time now that my little man was mostly blind. Several of his behaviors and a  young Optometrist (who “understood“) suggested so; but despite that, I was holding out hope until we went to our regular Ophthalmologist.  Last Thursday was that appointment. And the eye test itself, went surprisingly well. Gideon tested both eyes together and even individually- using an eye patch!! Go figure! I thought for sure we would be leaving that office with two kids in tears (I took Laynie too).

Turns out I was the only kid in tears when we left.

I love our Ophthalmologist… His chair-side-manner is great! He is one of a handful of doctors that gets teary-eyed when talking about Gideon‘s condition. After looking at Gideon’s test results, he concluded that he has cortical visual impairment, or CVI. Unfortunately, this form of impairment is caused by a brain problem rather than an eye problem. Given his genetic disorder, I was not surprised.

Another reason I love Dr. Shidlofsky (say that three times fast) is because of how he explains things. He always finds a way to “dumb it down” for me. Thursday he told me that CVI is like having “Swiss cheese vision.” Gideon may pick up pockets of vision from time to time, but he probably won’t be able to make out what he sees. Sadly his test results suggest the visual parts of his brain did not peak very often and when they did, they were low. Needless to say, I’ve done some crying since Thursday.

I’ve been putting off writing about this because my heart is heavy….and because frankly, I’m down right mad. In a weird way, I feel like I’ve been blinded. I’ve been struggling to see the positive side of all this and like most people in my situation would, I find myself going through stages where I am angry…so angry, I can’t shut off the tears. I feel like I’m in a fog and I can’t see two feet in front of me. I know others have been blessed by our journey, but most days I don’t feel blessed by this. Like many before me, I keep asking God why has this been allowed to happen to us?

A couple of days ago, I re-read the story of how Jesus healed a blind man. In the past, I had not paid much attention to the verses before the healing…

John 9: 1-3, says As He went along, He saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

Let me just clarify, while that verse speaks volumes as to the “why” we are going through this, I still don’t like it. I hope my honesty doesn’t offend anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still confident God knows best, but at the end of another weary day, I Still. Don’t. Like. It!

Am I the only one who struggles with this?? Has God allowed something to come into your life that’s blinded you, but at it’s core you know it will bless you and/or others? Have you thrown your hands up like me and said, “Please God, bless someone else!”

God being glorified is the why to all this. But I’m completely blind as to what God has in mind for the bigger picture. I know one day (maybe not this side of Heaven) our eyes will be open to the magnitude of all this. We will be able to see what God was doing all along. But for now….today….I’m blind…and sad.

I find it interesting that God allowed Gideon to have ‘light perception.’ No matter where we are, Gideon always turns his eyes up towards the light. Watching him do that today reminded me of Psalm 121:1. I lift up my eyes to the mountains- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”

Maybe that’s one of Gideon’s purposes in life…to remind me, and maybe you, to turn our eyes up…towards what we can see, The Light.

 

 

24 thoughts on “Blinded

  1. Oh sweet Sam, I so love your honesty and transparency! I can’t say I understand because I’ve never experienced what you, Kevin, Laynie and Gideon are experiencing, but I am here to help Jesus love you through it. I can’t imagine being “blessed” in the way God is choosing to bless you but, based on His Word, I can promise you He will be with you guys and will use it all for His glory and your good…something that must be so difficult to see right now. I love you all dearly.

    1. Thanks Melanie. It was so great catching up with you the other day. Thanks for your encouragemt. We love you too. 🙂

  2. Sam. Today us also a day oh whys for me took….u are such wonderful Christian based family yet The Lord has given a heartbreaking challenge to bear. Perhaps gives the biggest challenges to those whose faith is strings enough to face them as u I dm angry and ask why. I know god has a purpose for Gideon it is just hard to see this past all the struggles Gideon must surpass, pleads know that we love and prayer for all. I have had a cough so was it clears I hope to visit with u and family, love and prayers to u all

  3. I am so sorry I am not there with you’se! my heart is breaking for you.HONEY I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I LOVE YOU AND WANT YOU TO CALL ME ANY TIME AND I WILL COME UP THERE.

  4. This post and all your others are helping me through some very difficult times! These Bible verses you posted today, especially touched my heart! We certainly don’t have the answers for the midst of despair we feel in trials but you are most certainly right that we must feast our eyes on the promised reward after our short journey here! You probably will never know how many people like myself you and your beautiful baby Gideon and family in general are helping! Thank-you so much for your honesty and for sharing your faith, I will continue to pray for you and your lovely family! And most of all thanks for helping me continue to walk in faith in such trying times!

    1. Thank you Karen. I’m glad to hear the verses spoke to you.. isn’t God’s Word amazing? He always provides what we need to hear at the right time. Your support through prayers are appreciated more than you know. Sometimes I know that’s the only reason I made it to my bed that night, is because someone, somewhere was praying for us. Thanks for taking the time to read our story and share your thoughts with me. 🙂 God bless.

  5. so beautifully put…..I would give anything if my life & attitude could have been so drastically affected by something or perhaps someone else….it does seem so unfair that such a little guy has such a big job to remind me, a healthy capable adult to put life’s uncertainties and disappointments into perspective as I do my best to navigate through a world that is often discouraging, evil and broken….But …. each time you post a video or picture of that amazingly sweet face my heart is truly eased and softened and my bitterness towards things I have no control over seems to lesson for a while until I see the next post or picture….I guess God’s angels take so many forms and he is truly an angel in my eyes….

    1. Thanks Christy! Isn’t it funny how much time we spend on that which we can’t control? I waste a lot of time myself most days, and Gideon is a great reminder to focus on what’s important. I’ll keep those pictures coming!! I can’t take enough of them anyways! 🙂 And I agree, he is an angel.

  6. I have a awesome resource/book written by Millie Smith on CVI– let’s just say it is my CVI bible. Send me your address and I will send you one!

    1. Melissa, Thank you so much! I just emailed you my address. I am beyond grateful for resources!! God bless!!

  7. ok so my friend posted this on facebook today and I had to share this video with you as well: “Though You Slay Me” (featuring John Piper) Shane & Shane

  8. Samantha, I’ve of course not been through what you are going through, but I too am very familiar with the prayer, “Yes, I can see how this is blessing others and has led to my greater growth and sanctification. I would much prefer to have done without it.” I’m guessing we all struggle with that. And I think that God is totally ok with our getting angry with him at times. It passes eventually, as he knows.

    You’re in good company . . . Jesus himself said, “If it is possible, let this cup pass . . . but not my will, but yours, be done.”

    — With love and prayers for you and your family.

  9. Samantha,
    I waited a day to write – after reading your post I had no words. You are so beautifully honest and vulnerable. Thank you for sharing your heartache and daily walk. I continue to pray for you and your family. God inspires me thru you and your precious little man.

    Amy

    1. Thank you Amy!! I sincerely appreciate it. I guess my honesty comes from the fact that I really want people to know that trusting in the Lord doesnt mean we are exempt from the struggle. (John 16:33) thanks for taking the time to read and message me. Your encouragement and prayers mean a lot. 🙂 God bless!!

  10. Sam, I have really struggled with why sweet Gideon & your family were chosen. Why Traci? Why your mom? I admit that I’ve seen such a tremendous amount of faith through it all but I still don’t get it. With that being said, I don’t think we are supposed to understand & know why. How easy would that be? If we knew, then where would God fit in, where would our spiritual growth be. How could we be a beacon of light to those people who know the Lord, but have gone astray. Better yet how can we be a example of faith, love & the glory of the to those who do not have a personal relationship with the Lord if we don’t have trials. Could it be that , Gideon will touch so many lives with his journey, that heaven will shine brighter than before? I don’t have the answers but I sure have the questions. I will continue to pray for y’all through this difficult journey. Please know y’all are loved so much!

    1. Thank you Nanci for your beautiful words. I think you’re right. We will leave this place with more questions than answers, but how much more will our faith be worth because we choose to believe in God’s greater plan despite our trials and tears. You know this well given everything you’ve been through yourself. You’re also a beacon of light and an inspiration to those who know your story.

      Gideon’s life has touched so many already and I’m quite certain God will do even more with his precious little life than we can possibly imagine. Thank you for your love, prayers, and support. We love you so much. 🙂

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