Recovery from baby number 3 was no joke. In fact, Josiah is 9 weeks old and of those past 9 weeks, we have been home for the last 3 weeks. Where were we for the first 6 weeks, you ask?? Allow me to explain.
I was not planning on having a cesarean. I have two other kids for crying out loud. Who has time for a cesarean when you have other children? Ain’t no mom got time for that! And to make things a bit more complicated, my middle son Gideon (age 3) is blind, deaf, non-verbal and he cannot walk or crawl. Needless to say, I pretty much do everything for him: feeding, diapering, moving from one activity to the next. He’s completely dependent on me during the day. And what’s the one thing I’m not allowed to do after a cesarean?Carry/pick up anything heavier than my newborn.
Did I mention Gideon is 27 pounds of dead weight?
So for the first 6 weeks of Josiah’s life, we temporarily moved in with my parents. Now this isn’t the worst thing that could have happened. After all, Kevin and I are both very blessed to have families willing (and eager!) to help… especially when it involves those grand-babies.
So why was I so upset those first few weeks that we stayed there? I mean, between my parents and Kevin’s parents, I pretty much didn’t have to lift a finger for my kids or myself. Meals were handled. I could nap when I needed to. So what was the big deal?
Answer: My pride.
I wasn’t just recovering from a c-section… I was recovering from my own self-reliance. Webster defines someone who is self-reliant as relying on one’s own powers and resources rather than those of others.
I struggle with this the most when it comes to carrying for the special needs of my son. Not because I don’t trust others to care for him; after all, the grandparents know better than anyone how to care for him besides me and Kevin. If I’m being honest, I don’t want Gideon to ever feel like a burden to others. And I think that’s because there have been days when everything that goes into caring for him weighs heavy.. and it feels burdensome to me. 🙁
But trying to be self-reliant AND care for someone like Gideon will never work. That’s what I feel like the Lord has shown me over these past two months. I cannot do this alone. And the beautiful part is that I don’t have to. Between our families and friends, I don’t have to be self-reliant. I can allow others (and even ask others) for help when I need it so that those burdensome feelings for me are fewer and farther between.
Now here’s the cool part of these past 9 weeks. First, Josiah’s test results came back. He does NOT have PBD!! (We figured, but it’s nice to have confirmation!) And second, Gideon’s name came up on the Deaf Blind Multiple Disabilities List of Texas, which means the state will now PAY for someone to come in and help me with his care for 8 hours a day!!! And thankfully the people we got to hire are my mom, my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law. How freaking cool is that?!
The past 9 weeks have been a whirlwind. I cried when we found out we were approved for respite services. Although I don’t know why I’m always so surprised. Given our history, it’s clear that the Lord’s provisions are always on time.
Forgive me for trying to do the hard things on my own. Praise you Father for always providing as you continue to make me more Christ-reliant.
A Recovering Self-Reliant