So last night was awful. Here lately, between both kids, I’m up every two hours again…just like the first 4 months of Gideon’s life.
I get up with Gideon around 11 pm and then in the middle of my deepest sleep at 1:45 am, Laynie wakes me up. So by the time I take her back to her bed, I realize why she’s up…. Gideon is screaming. (I don’t hear it initially because the door is shut, the bathroom fan is on, and the monitor is muted…mom of the year, right here). Poor Laynie hears it because she’s just across the hall. Then of course, I can’t fall back to sleep because he’s so loud now, despite all my efforts to silence him.
So with the exception of this past Monday (and a handful of other random good nights), this has been my life for the past 10 months. Exhausted….weary…worn… those don’t even begin to cover it!
I haven’t blogged much the past few weeks, mostly because I’m so tired. But there’s also another reason…. I’m ashamed to say this but I have to be honest…I’m disappointed that God hasn’t answered my prayer of sleep. I feel like the psalmist, “How long must I wait Lord?” It’s been almost 11 months, and I selfishly expected that God would help me out in this department. But for some reason, this prayer seems to go unanswered….and I get so mad that I don’t even care why.
So this morning when I got up, angry with my Lord, I opened my email to find a weekly devotional I get through BibleGateway by Christine Caine. It’s italicized below.
The points that slapped me in the face are in bold…
Read Matthew 5:4
Jesus tells his disciples that those who mourn will be comforted.
There is something good waiting beyond disappointment for each of us. There are appointments that God has destined. There are good works for each of us to do. And isn’t it interesting that the word appointment comes from within the word disappointment?
I’ve often marveled at that because I’ve seen again and again how disappointments take something from us: a dream, a piece of our hearts—maybe whole chucks of it. But disappointment leaves something too: a gift, an opportunity, the possibility of creating change. This means we can move from the valley of the shadow of death to new horizons and bring others with us on that road.
The enemy would like us to feel such a depth of disappointment that we never find our way back to the plan God has for us. If he can convince us to stay stuck in our disappointment, we’ll miss many of our future God appointments. I realize that some disappointments seem so big that we can’t imagine ever being able to move beyond them. We ask deep questions and they go unanswered. For example, when someone dear to us dies, no explanation will satisfy the questions crying out inside. But even for these tragedies, God has made a way.
When a precious couple named Maria and Dimitri lost their fourteen-year-old-son, Peter, they had many unanswered questions. They struggled mightily but they didn’t try to answer them. Instead, they determined to walk down that road of disappointment and heartbreak with Jesus. On the day of Peter’s funeral, still burdened with pain, sorrow, and grief, their family made a decision. Even though they did not understand why this tragedy had occurred, they would continue to trust God. They would keep on believing his promises.
They proclaimed at the funeral: “Today is a sad day, but it is not a bad day. The devil thinks he has the victory because our son has died. But our son is alive with his Jesus, and is partying in heaven. The devil has not won. We are not burying our child today, but we are sowing him as seed into the soil of this nation. We believe in a mighty harvest of young people to spring forth. Out of one death, there shall arise new life.”
Their words said, this family bruised by grief but beautiful with belief stood silently. There is a road through disappointment. Disappointment is not an end but an opportunity for a divine appointment.
Did any of that slap you in this face too? I know good can come from our disappointment, but I have NO idea what good could possibly come from 11 months of sleeplessness. Maybe God wants me to learn obedience despite my current circumstance. Maybe He wants me to learn I can trust Him, even when I’m literally at the end of my rope. Whatever lesson is to come while I wait through all this, I do believe it will be used for His glory. All that being said, I’m still human. And in this moment, in this season, my blood shot eyes can’t see beyond the horizon.
So if you actually made it to this last paragraph, please forgive me for my rambling & complaining. I know so many others have it so much worse than I, but I would like to ask for your continued prayers. Specifically for sleep- for all of us. I’ve waited so long to put my head down and truly, consistently, genuinely rest.