My daughter astounds me. Sometimes I think God uses her sweet curiosity to not only calm my fears but to knock down my ego as well.
We had just dropped Gideon off at therapy and we were driving to Braums for our mommy/daughter hour. Laynie innocently questioned, “Mommy, was I born blind?”
After I told her no, she quickly said, “Gideon was because he has a genetic disorder, right?” I confirmed her statement and there was a brief moment of silence. I don’t remember exactly what she said next, but her comment led us into a discussion about possible future brothers and sisters. She told me she really wanted a sister that didn’t have a genetic disorder. I told her that unless we adopt, that really isn’t up to me or her daddy.
I explained that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made by God (Psalm 139) and then I reminded her that her daddy and I each have a sick gene within us. I said to her, “If we have another baby, there’s a 25% chance that the baby will have the genetic disorder like Gideon; but there’s a 75% chance that the baby would not have the genetic disorder.” To which she replied, “Mom 75 is greater than 25.”
I found myself trying to fight back tears as I told her that she was correct. I thought to myself, “Oh sweet child, you don’t know how big that 25% feels though.”
I’m not sure if she noticed my silence or my eyes watering, but from the back seat she reassured me, “Mommy, if you have another baby like me that would be good. But it’ll be okay if we have another one like Gideon.”
My heart almost pounded out of my chest. I felt like her words were divinely given to me for my struggling heart.
Kevin and I both have wrestled with God over the issue about having more children. What if we have another baby with PBD?? Could we go through this again? We haven’t even buried one child yet, how could we someday bury two?? All of these are reasonable questions and I doubt anyone would challenge our decision if we chose to be done having babies. However, I can’t help but remind myself that all of these questions and concerns seem to boil down to fear. And for us, I think the fear of the unknown is the greatest.
But when I survey all that God has brought me through in the past (not to mention how He’s currently carrying me in this season), I can’t help but remind myself, that God will redeem whatever comes my way.
Maybe you can relate. Maybe you are currently struggling with your own What if? questions. Maybe you’ve looked at the statistics in your own circumstances and the odds seem impossible. I don’t know what unknowns you face, but I do know that they are NOT unknown to God. From conception to death, He already knows all that we will face…And He has promised that His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9). Perhaps you can relate to this truth as well.
I wish I could tell you that our conversation carried on and Laynie revealed some more amazing truth, but I’d be lying. In fact, after she reassured me it would be okay if we had another baby like her brother, she said, “How about we go to the park later?”
In my opinion, the wisdom that came from the back seat that day was God’s way of reminding me to trust more in Him and to let go of the fear of what could happen.
I don’t know what the future holds for our family, but I know that God’s grace will be sufficient for each new day… sufficient even to the point of watching a child suffer and someday die.
God’s been there… He knows that reality all too well.
And because of that, I feel as though I can encourage you. No matter what decisions or unknowns you are facing, God works all things for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28) He’s in the business of restoration and redemption.