Do Over


Have you ever sat down at night and thought about how your day could have gone differently? For me, this is a regular occurrence, but this evening it was worse than usual. My mind was in over-drive, playing out hundreds of different avenues I could have chosen, but didn’t. And because I made a hasty, selfish decision, I brought home a truck load of remorse. My decision provided me convenience, but unfortunately for my son, it was costly to his health.

Today was one of those days I really, really wish I could do over.

Some kids with peroxisomal disorders choke on liquids and food because they have low tone in their neck and shoulders. Therefore my husband and I have been told that we need to get a swallow study done for Gideon. And since he’s had trouble swallowing puréed foods for the past two weeks, we decided to do the swallow study.

So we talked to our pediatrician and she ordered the test. And since Gideon was going to have to swallow barium for this study, our pediatrician advised that we also do an upper & lower gastro-intestinal (GI) exam as well. So in my mind, these two tests together would allow them to watch (using radiology) the food travel from his mouth all the way to his rectum. And because I only received one call for one appointment, I assumed both tests would happen together.

Apparently I assumed wrong.

We got to Children’s Hospital and after talking to our sweet nurse, we soon learned that both tests could not be done in one appointment given Gideon’s age. Long story short, someone from the swallow study department dropped the ball and never called me to schedule the separate swallow test…hence my confusion and thoughts that both tests would be done together.

Our appointment was at 8:45 AM and it was about 9 AM when we learned that there was going to be two separate tests. So after much frustration & confusion on our part (and Gideon’s….keep in mind he’s been fasting since 4:45 AM and he’s STARVING!!), my husband decides we are leaving and not doing the test. He says we can always come back, but the main reason we are here is for the swallow study, not the GI.

Here’s where I would like my do over.

My first instinct was to agree with my husband…after all, the only thing we are concerned with is my son’s ability to swallow. Plus Gideon has never shown any signs of GI problems. While Gideon was screaming, I debated back and forth with both my husband and the nurse. The nurse said that our doctor would want both tests done, so I figured if we were going to have to do the GI at some point anyways, we might as well do it now since we were there.

Now this may not sound like such bad reasoning; however, the issue I’m struggling with is that I chose convenience over wisdom. All I really heard from the nurse was “two separate tests” which meant, if we left, we would have to come back two more times. And I think the worst part of it all was that I never stopped to pray about my decision. Instead, I just pushed my point over my husband’s logical reasoning just so I didn’t have to make two more trips. Had I listened to my husband, we would have left and only come back for swallow study because Gideon did not need the GI test.

Has anything like this ever happened to you? Have you ever made a decision based on convenience rather than wisdom? What has it cost you? What has it cost someone close to you?

Here’s what it cost Gideon.


Imagine you’re Gideon. To do so, you’ll need to close your eyes and your ears. Now imagine you’re hungry and naked and a woman who you don’t know has tied you to a board with your arms by your ears (limiting your hearing even more). Then she proceeds to shove a tube down your nose and throat to your stomach- only to then fill it with the chemical element, barium.

Now let me just clarify something. Procedures like these are necessary and I’m so glad we have the technology & doctors to do them. That being said, this test was NOT necessary for my son. He has never had any GI problems. The GI test was added by our pediatrician only because she also thought the tests were going to be done together. Had I listened to my husband today we would left and only come back for the swallow study; and Gideon would not have to be exposed to the barium & radiation twice.

My heart breaks for my sweet Gideon. I wish I could go back and do it all over. I would have listened to the wisdom of my husband. I also would have taken time to pray. I know we all make mistakes from time to time, but when those mistakes affect our kids…. ugh… it’s so hard to handle.

I cannot un-do what has been done. So I am taking today for what it is…a lesson. It was a lesson in prayer, a lesson in listening, and lesson in waiting. Funny thing is that just yesterday, I heard a profound sermon on waiting. Unfortunately, it didn’t sink in until just now…

I’m looking forward to a new day. I guess in some way, tomorrow is my do-over. I have another chance to apply what I’ve learned- it’s a fresh start. Tomorrow I’m going to seek wisdom over convenience. Tomorrow I’m going to listen more than I speak. Tomorrow, when things seem out of control, I’m going to pray & wait for the Lord.

Such actions do not lead to a burden of remorse… but rather a bounty of joy.


14 thoughts on “Do Over

  1. Honey I am so sorry about today, but don’t be too hard on yourself. You did what you thought was best for Gideon at that time. always remember hindsight is twenty-twenty. We don’t see this until it is too late. So hug yourself and move on.. Your a GREAT MOM to your children, and GOD see this. We all love you dearly. We know you are doing a great job with our grandchildren.. LOVE YOU DEARLY!!!!!

  2. Hang in there! Your a great mother and teaching us all so much about life, prayers
    and our Savior! Prayers for a peaceful day for you all!!!

  3. Being a mom is the hardest thing ever! Sure our husbands work and there is pressure from their jobs, but it’s not the same pressure as our dear children. We spend the most time with them trying to keeping them healthy, raising them to love God and know him, trying to figure out what’s right for them. My husband allows me to make the most decisions for our children. Currently he would like to get them the flu shot, I have done my research and at this time, I don’t want them to get the flu shot. I’ve read about kids dying from the flu shot and how big of an outbreak it is right now. But right now I just don’t feel comfortable giving it to them every year for the rest of theirs lives because of some of the ingredients in it. To me this is our health decision right now that is hard. But I know God is in control and if for some reason something would go wrong, I feel that is the path He is taking me, I probably would then say…”oh I wish I would have gotten them the shot!” I can’t imagine the pressure you guys have with Gideon’s medical decisions, but praise that you are able to bring those decisions to God for His guidance. I probably would have made the same decision as you, if we are already here why not just get it done? Don’t get down on yourself, you’re doing an amazing job! Think about this God is the one who put you and your husband in charge of Gideon.

    Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. Proverbs 1:8

  4. Oh Samantha. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Please don’t be down on yourself! I think I would have made the same decision. You are the most amazing mother and were trying to make the best decision for your family – not going back two more times. Totally makes sense! I’m sure all Gideon will remember is the snuggles you gave him after it was over. Actually, thanks to infant amnesia he won’t remember anything 😉 Don’t, DON’T, DO NOT be upset about your decision! Praying for your family!

  5. Samantha, Please don’t be too hard on yourself. We have all done things we wish we had done differently. I probably would have done the same thing you did. I would have been thinking it would save another trip for him and another time he would have to fast. He would still have to fast for the swallow test, but not the GI test if the Dr. made you come back again.

  6. Oh Sam…sorry to hear this. I can tell you from experience you have to be your own advocate for your little guy! May I just say that I would always double check with my pediatrician in the future on any mix-up or testing changes before they put you through all the unnecessary hoops…it only takes a phone call to save you and your little one an unnecessary traumatic experience!

    1. Sadly the hospital did phone her. Found out a few days ago they lied to us about the conversation. 🙁 Don’t think I’m not about to get all over someone at that hospital. Miss you!!

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