At 20 months old, Gideon cannot walk or crawl because of his genetic disorder. When I lay him on the floor, he either licks it or bangs his head against it. So unless we are at home, Gideon is either in his stroller or I’m holding him. More often times than not, he’s in my arms.
He is only 20 lbs, but he is pretty much dead weight. Not to mention, holding Gideon is like holding a 20 pound fish out of water. Sometimes he will be still long enough for me to hold him with ease, but after a few seconds he begins to squirm & needs to be re-positioned. The cradle position quickly becomes boring, so I’ll toss him up over my shoulder where he plays grab-the-hair game and hits himself with my hair. But eventually that gets old for him (and painful for me) and he wants to face-forward. He likes to flap his arms and kick his legs hoping to make contact with something. Usually that something is my face and so I take him back to the cradle position and we repeat this frustrating cycle all over again… until I put him back in his stroller or some sweet soul offers to hold him….bless their hearts.
So the other day, I was going through this routine while holding him in the shower (yes, I’m that crazy), when on the way down to the cradle position his mouth met my arm. Usually he blows raspberries, but this time Gideon bit into me as if I was a state fair turkey leg. When he finally let go, I re-positioned him so I could pop him in the mouth and tell him no.
Thankfully Kevin heard the commotion and rushed in just in time for the awkward hand off. As I stood there in shower, the frustration I felt quickly turned into tears. Why does holding my son always have to be a struggle? Through my sobs, I cried out to God, “What am I supposed to do with a child that fights me all the time?!”
You love him, just as I have always loved you.
In that moment, I realized how much I was just like Gideon in the arms of my Heavenly Father. How many times have I’ve struggled & fought against Him because I wanted to be free to do things my own way? How often do I still push away His guiding hand because I think I can handle it better than He can?
Gideon doesn’t know why I can’t just put him down whenever he wants. He doesn’t understand the danger of licking the floor or banging his head against it. Truthfully, he may never comprehend why I do the things I do and that’s a hard reality for me to accept. I really just want to hold him without it always being such a struggle.
It’s kind of funny because I’m pretty sure God feels the same way about me.
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. .” John 15:5
Thanks for sharing again! You’re words are always so encouraging.
Kind of off subject, but I have a dear friend going through some hard times right now. And I desperately feel the need to help her but when you yourself haven’t gone through what she’s going through you feel helpless and don’t know what to do. (I kind of feel this way about your story as well). When we see other’s hurting and we ourselves haven’t hurt the same way, we often sit in silence because we have no direction and no idea what to say or do. I believe you have many friends ready to help at any call, I wish I could be close to help you out as well. I want to encourage you to ask for help when you need it, like when you mention someone so kindly would hold him, other’s might want to as well but might not feel like they can ask. I can’t imagine how exhausted you are all the time. You are truly a supermom! Keep relying upon God for daily strength.
Lamentations 3:22-23
The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
Jacey, I just love you!! I wish we could sit down over Starbucks and just chat! You are such an encouragement to me (and have always been since our journey started!) A person’s presence is so powerful when we are struggling in this life and even though you can’t be physically present in mine, you are there for me emotionally and spiritually! So thank you for always showing up for me.. on my blog and on Facebook! Your words are encouraging even when you say things like “I just don’t know what to say, but I love you.” That means so much and so again, thank you for being that kind of person in my life! You are loved and cherished!!
I am praying that God’s loving arms are felt tightly around you as your own arms yield His strength each time you embrace Gideon. I pray you feel a surge of power, a true God hug each and every time.
Thanks Carrilee!!! I definitely need that specific prayer!!! God bless! 🙂
Love your perspective! I dont’ comment much but read your blog often and you always touch my heart in one way or another!
Thank you Jodi!! I appreciate it very much!! 🙂
Wow. Tears. Thank you for convicting me of this truth.
Thanks Lynn…but you know I can’t take credit for the Holy Spirit!! 😉 I love you!!
very understandable
🙂
Hi,
I am Betsy, I have a son with special needs, he is 9 and still no diagnosed 🙁
But it amazed and I really love the way you describe how you fell because is like if you where reading me mind and describes so well the way I feel sometimes and is a blessing to me to read your posts and to see how you rest in The Lord because just like you, He is the only one that has and is sustaining us during this 9 years.
I was so surprised to see how similar in some ways our life is with our little ones and also my husband is a teacher and my oldest is a girl.
Praying for you and your sweet family.
Blessings,
Betsy
Thanks for messaging me Betsy!! Your words are very encouraging. It’s nice to be validated in how we feel and what we are experiencing!! You are much farther into your journey than we are.. and with no diagnosis?!? Having that question remained unanswered must leave you with all kinds of uncertainties. But I’m glad to hear you are resting and trusting in the only One who is certain.. the Lord. Honestly, I’m not sure how anyone does life without Him! What an example you are to the rest of us. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I love that we have so many similarities!! God bless you and yours!!