“Oh, the joys of having my heart broken.” –said no one ever!

When was the last time you found yourself heartbroken? There are an infinite number of things that lead us to heart break – could be anything from unfaithfulness, lies or abuse to sickness, suffering or death. Last Friday I had a break down because I found myself heart broken yet again.

Thursday some very wonderful ladies came out to evaluate Gideon for Auditory Impairment Services. (Mind you, he’s already been receiving Vision Impairment Services for several weeks now). I didn’t think much of their evaluation/questions until Friday morning when the Vision teacher came out to the house. She brought two huge bags for me to keep and they were filled with wonderful toys for children with vision impairment. Before I go any further, let me just say, I’m beyond grateful for these resources. However, as she was going through everything I began to recall some of the questions the ladies from Thursday had asked about Gideon…and then I noticed something.

I began to watch Gideon as the teacher was explaining these new resources. As he played with his own familiar toys that surrounded him, for the first time, I noticed that Gideon never once looked at any of his toys. He felt them and moved his hands around each one, patting/banging on them…but never once did he turn his eyes towards them.

I’m okay admitting to y’all that I lost it! Hoover Dam could not have closed those floodgates!

I knew Gideon’s vision was limited… And I knew the last vision test we did couldn’t have been accurate (because he cried through the entire test). But I didn’t know it was THAT bad. Maybe it’s part of my denial. After all, his health is outstanding (given his diagnosis). No seizures, no feeding tube, no oxygen…yet…And if you’ve met our little guy, you can’t help but think, he doesn’t look like a kid with a terminal disease.

Sorry to be a Debbie-downer here, but ever since Friday I’ve been in a funk. The thought of raising a son who is mostly blind and mostly deaf…how do I do that????? I’m not qualified for this!! And did I mention, it’s just not fair!!! Needless to say, I’ve thrown quite a few pity parties over the past several days… And to be honest, when I’m that down I don’t always run to God’s word (especially when I’m mad at Him). Unfortunately, in my frustration, sometimes I just open Facebook.

But let me tell you something about my God. If there’s a message I need to hear, He makes sure I hear it loud and clear. So who should pop up first in my news feed?  Lysa TerKeurst– Christian author. Here was her status update- “Having a pity party is a good clue that you’re relying on your own strength and not God’s.”

Did you hear that? God totally called me out right there. Plain as day, I’m looking at this from the wrong perspective. I can’t do this… Not without my Lord.

As my heart began to break with all the trials I know I will face, God was telling me that I’m not alone in this journey. He is with me and praise God because I need Him every step of the way. He’s made it clear that His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9) and his yoke is light (Matthew 11:29-30).

My heart has been broken many times over the years. None of course compares to how my heart breaks for my own son (which by the way, God gets that too). I was telling God how much I hate being brokenhearted when I realized something. Even though no one wants to be brokenhearted, it’s actually the best place in life to be. Psalm 34:18 says,

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Are you like me? Are you dwelling in a pit of despair because your heart is broken beyond recognition? Can I tell you something? You’re in good company. Being brokenhearted means being close to the Lord. What better place to be than close to Him? I want you to be encouraged, because your heart won’t stay that way. Psalm 147:3 says,

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

And when it’s all said and done, when God has pieced back together every part of your heart, He will use you to help heal others. “…the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives…” -Isaiah 61:1.

After all, who better to offer encouragement to the brokenhearted, than someone who’s already been there, under the wing of the Almighty Healer?

Praying for all those who are brokenhearted tonight.

I love meeting new people, but I truly treasure meeting people who have a child with special needs. Something about those folks just warms your heart.

Today I met Beth. She’s a mom of four and her youngest, Seth, was born with hydrocephalus (water on the brain). Seth is 2 years old and he is obviously a miracle. I love it when doctors say “this child will never _____.” Mostly because God usually has something different planned.

Meeting Beth was wonderful because she was able share some some things that would help us in our journey. She shared her insight about having a child with visual and auditory impairment. She shared her wisdom and her tears. And before I left she shared this poem that someone had shared with her. I hope you’ll share it as well.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by Emily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this……

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.

“Hang on… just a second… wait!!” I wonder how many times I say those words to my daughter on a given day. If I had to guess, I’d say too many.

I don’t like waiting. Who does? And yet, I expect my almost-four-year-old to wait-as if she was born with an infinite amount of patience!

It seems like she always wants me to play or watch her do something when I’m trying to take care of Gideon or the house. Many of those things are important and I can justify most of them. But isn’t my daughter just as important and worthy of my time? Absolutely!

Even as I type this my heart aches. You see, we have a behavior problem on our hands. Unfortunately the behavior problem lies with me, not Laynie. I’ve been feeding the lie that certain things need to get done at the expense of my children. Am I the only one guilty of this?

Obviously Laynie needs to wait if I’m feeding or changing Gideon, but why must she have to wait while I do household chores? Or worse, Facebook?? Sometimes things need to be done, but at the expense of losing time with my little girl and boy?? I think not!

I love Darius Rucker. His song puts it into perspective-

“He lays down there beside her, till her eyes finally close,
And just watching her it breaks his heart, cause he already knows,
It won’t be like this for long,
One day soon that little girl is gonna be all grown up and gone,
This phase is gonna fly by, if you can just hold on,
It won’t be like this for long.”

That song gets me every time…and with a sense of urgency. We’ve been given this precious time with our little ones. And they are only little for a moment, just ask an empty nester.

I’ve decided to make a conscious effort to stop asking my Laynie to wait. I’m also asking God help me realize in those moments that I don’t want to waste a second of her time on something that is far less important in the grand scheme of things. For Heavens sake, the laundry can wait! The phone calls can wait!! The time with our kids cannot wait!!

After all, if I’m not giving my kids the time and attention they need, some thing or someone else will. Time is the most valuable thing we can give them. It shows them we love them. It shows them we care. And most importantly it shows them that they matter.

And don’t we all long to know that we matter?

Let’s show our kids they matter. Let’s stop making them wait for our time.