So last night was awful. Here lately, between both kids, I’m up every two hours again…just like the first 4 months of Gideon’s life.

I get up with Gideon around 11 pm and then in the middle of my deepest sleep at 1:45 am, Laynie wakes me up. So by the time I take her back to her bed, I realize why she’s up…. Gideon is screaming. (I don’t hear it initially because the door is shut, the bathroom fan is on, and the monitor is muted…mom of the year, right here). Poor Laynie hears it because she’s just across the hall. Then of course, I can’t fall back to sleep because he’s so loud now, despite all my efforts to silence him.

So with the exception of this past Monday (and a handful of other random good nights), this has been my life for the past 10 months. Exhausted….weary…worn… those don’t even begin to cover it! 

I haven’t blogged much the past few weeks, mostly because I’m so tired. But there’s also another reason…. I’m ashamed to say this but I have to be honest…I’m disappointed that God hasn’t answered my prayer of sleep. I feel like the psalmist, “How long must I wait Lord?” It’s been almost 11 months, and I selfishly expected that God would help me out in this department. But for some reason, this prayer seems to go unanswered….and I get so mad that I don’t even care why.

So this morning when I got up, angry with my Lord, I opened my email to find a weekly devotional I get through BibleGateway by Christine Caine. It’s italicized below.

The points that slapped me in the face are in bold…

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Read Matthew 5:4
Jesus tells his disciples that those who mourn will be comforted.

Divine Appointments

There is something good waiting beyond disappointment for each of us. There are appointments that God has destined. There are good works for each of us to do. And isn’t it interesting that the word appointment comes from within the word disappointment?

I’ve often marveled at that because I’ve seen again and again how disappointments take something from us: a dream, a piece of our hearts—maybe whole chucks of it. But disappointment leaves something too: a gift, an opportunity, the possibility of creating change. This means we can move from the valley of the shadow of death to new horizons and bring others with us on that road.

The enemy would like us to feel such a depth of disappointment that we never find our way back to the plan God has for us. If he can convince us to stay stuck in our disappointment, we’ll miss many of our future God appointments. I realize that some disappointments seem so big that we can’t imagine ever being able to move beyond them. We ask deep questions and they go unanswered. For example, when someone dear to us dies, no explanation will satisfy the questions crying out inside. But even for these tragedies, God has made a way.

When a precious couple named Maria and Dimitri lost their fourteen-year-old-son, Peter, they had many unanswered questions. They struggled mightily but they didn’t try to answer them. Instead, they determined to walk down that road of disappointment and heartbreak with Jesus. On the day of Peter’s funeral, still burdened with pain, sorrow, and grief, their family made a decision. Even though they did not understand why this tragedy had occurred, they would continue to trust God. They would keep on believing his promises.

They proclaimed at the funeral: “Today is a sad day, but it is not a bad day. The devil thinks he has the victory because our son has died. But our son is alive with his Jesus, and is partying in heaven. The devil has not won. We are not burying our child today, but we are sowing him as seed into the soil of this nation. We believe in a mighty harvest of young people to spring forth. Out of one death, there shall arise new life.”

Their words said, this family bruised by grief but beautiful with belief stood silently. There is a road through disappointment. Disappointment is not an end but an opportunity for a divine appointment.

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Did any of that slap you in this face too? I know good can come from our disappointment, but I have NO idea what good could possibly come from 11 months of sleeplessness. Maybe God wants me to learn obedience despite my current circumstance. Maybe He wants me to learn I can trust Him, even when I’m literally at the end of my rope. Whatever lesson is to come while I wait through all this, I do believe it will be used for His glory. All that being said, I’m still human. And in this moment, in this season, my blood shot eyes can’t see beyond the horizon.

So if you actually made it to this last paragraph, please forgive me for my rambling & complaining. I know so many others have it so much worse than I, but I would like to ask for your continued prayers. Specifically for sleep- for all of us. I’ve waited so long to put my head down and truly, consistently, genuinely rest.

Don’t you love it when someone gives you a statistic? They’re especially fun when you’re about to do something related to that statistic. For example, you go to take a bite of your burger and your friend with the salad says, “Did you know that one out of four Americans are obese?” or “one out of four people will develop heart disease?” Or take for example when I was about to go to college…my mom and dad said, “You have to be careful. One out of four college girls are sexually assaulted.”

Have you ever noticed how the majority of statistics relate to issues that are negative? I can’t remember the last time I heard the positive side of statistics… like someone saying “three out of four people will not die from cancer” or “three out of four people are at a healthy weight.” I guess no matter how you look at it, statistics are still important because they’re informative.

Statistics have always been fun for me…maybe that’s why I loved teaching middle school math. I’m just as bad as everyone else I guess. I used to make sure that my math lessons were always relevant for the kids I taught. I made sure to use examples like “one out of four kids are bullied” and “one out of four people have an STD.” Okay, that last one seems harsh, but it’s true and I always felt like someone should be giving that information to our tweens today, because apparently no one else is…

So back to the reason for my statistical rambling… my daughter turned 4 this past weekend. She had a “Sofia the First” birthday party which worked out well for us, because she got some extra use out of her Halloween costume.  Cute right?

At some point during the party someone asked me about Gideon’s upcoming birthday. He’ll be one in January…crazy to think about. But then that person also asked  me if we were going to have any more kids….

And that’s when the statistic hit. One out of four.

Because my husband and I are carriers of this rare genetic disorder, there is a one out of four chance that we will have another child with peroxisomal biogenesis disorder, or PBD.  So of course my mind has been chewing on this like it did back in August. I mean when you stop and think about those numbers…1 out of 4…sound so daunting. The fear that comes with that statistic is almost to much to bear when I think about my sweet Gideon and having another child suffer with this. And that’s when I began to think about the other side of that statistic…

Three out of four.

You see statistics can be looked at two ways. The way that invokes fear or the way promises hope. I heard a sermon once where the pastor said there are 365 “fear not”s in the Bible. That’s one “fear not” for each day of the year. There are several verses on this topic that I love.  Isaiah 41:10 “Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  Also 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self control.” 

It’s those verses that make me focus on the statistic 3 out 4..because three out of four is not accompanied by fear. Three out of four offers hope… Hope that people around you will not develop heart disease… hope that colleges girls will not be sexually assaulted… Hope that if we have another child, he or she won’t be affected by this horrible disorder.

I can’t say whether or not Kevin and I will have anymore kids. But you know what? If we do, there’s a good (75%) chance our child will be unaffected. However, if we were to fall into the 1 in 4 category again…I’ll continue to cling to God’s Word and verses like Isaiah 41:10. That verse gives a 4 out of 4 kind of statistic, as does the rest of His Book. God always promises to strengthen, to help & to hold us…100% of the time. No matter what life brings.

We couldn’t ask for better odds than that.