Monthly Archives: February 2015

I have trouble being still

Faith & Hope, Parenting

Monday morning I went to my P31 Fitness class and since the weather was nice, our instructor gave us options- outdoor run or indoor run. I chose the outdoors.

To make a long story short, towards the end of the run, I was transitioning from the street to the side walk, and as soon as I stepped on the curb, my ankle said, nope!

It rolled to the outside and I dropped to the ground. After lying on the pavement, trying to play it cool, my P31 ladies helped me up… but I couldn’t even hop on my good leg without bouncing the other. The pain was real. I was so embarrassed that they had to CARRY ME to my friend’s car. When my instructor asked me what I wanted to do, the other ladies all told me I needed to go to the ER. As soon as I saw it, I knew they were right.

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I cried as my friend Joelle drove me there. Not because of the pain, but because all I could think of was, “How am I going to take care of Gideon and Laynie, if I can’t walk?!?”

The more I thought about that, the more I realized I wasn’t even going to be able to completely care for myself!!  And if I couldn’t even care for myself, then how was I going to….Change diapers? Feed my kids? Do the laundry? Get Gideon to therapy? (Let’s be real, how was I going to get Gideon from the crib to…anywhere?)

Thankfully nothing was broken (although I hear broken bones heal faster than my stretched out ligaments will). So they put me in a boot and gave me crutches… Joy. When I got home, I did the only thing I knew to do. I called my mom and my mother in law.

Being temporarily disabled is a humbling expereince. I’m a careGIVER. The Lord began preparing me to be Gideon’s mother when my sister was paralyzed back in 1997. For the past 18 years, I have watched (and helped) my parents care for her; so naturally, caring for another is easy to me. But to BE cared for is something I’m not familiar with and quite frankly it’s frustrating.

I have trouble being still and I struggle relying on others for help. I’ve gotten better since Gideon was born, but apparently these are areas of my life where I still struggle. I think my need for control is definitely a factor. That, and I don’t like to inconvenience anyone.

Looks like I have lots of time now and in the days to come to work on those areas.

God is smiling because He finally has my attention…

Empty The Bucket

Faith & Hope, Parenting, Special needs children

It’s nice to see you break down. It’s good to know you’re human.

A sweet friend spoke those words over me after I lost it while talking about Gideon last week. The flood gates don’t open often, but when they do….watch out! Sometimes you just got to empty the bucket.

I think people perceive that I have it all together, simply because I can talk about Gideon with little or no emotion. In fact, several months ago another friend who has a child with a disability asked me, “How do I get to where you are?”

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Truthfully, I don’t have it all together, 24/7. I hate this genetic disorder.  I grieve my son’s circumstances and the future suffering he will face. But often times, it’s not the big issues that weigh me down. Confessing those & giving them to the Lord is easy. For me, it’s the little things that get to me. I hold onto them. I’m not as quick to acknowledge how those little inconveniences affect me. I tend to bury them and just push forward. But like a bucket beneath a slow leak, the tiny drops eventually accumulate to the brim. And the bucket begins to spill, until it’s intentionally (or unintentionally) emptied.

Yesterday when Kevin brought Gideon home from the dentist, the last drop hit the bucket. Apparently brushing Gideon’s teeth twice a day, isn’t good enough because he’s on Pediasure. So now I have to brush his teeth every time he takes a bottle….Every. Freaking.Time. This really isn’t that big of a deal, but it’s frustrating because it’s just one more thing added to the list of his daily needs.

The timing for this news wasn’t ideal either. I was already upset because I was about to go pick up Gideon’s cortef prescription. We really are fortunate because he doesn’t need this medication daily, only when he’s sick. But now I have to watch YouTube videos to learn how to give my son a shot…just in case. This was not on my top 10 list of fun things to do on a Saturday. Again, it’s not that big of a deal. But it is just one more thing. One more drop in the bucket.

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Maybe you can relate. Maybe you’re in a season right now, where it just seems like one thing after another keeps dropping in your bucket. Over time, those little inconveniences add up and if we don’t handle them as they arise eventually our bucket will begin to spill over into every area of our lives. We need to be intentional and take some time to empty the bucket.

In my opinion, the only way we can be at peace in the circumstances that we face is to let go of what we cannot control & rest in the arms of the One who never leaves us (Deuteronomy 31:8). For me, I have found that when I tell God my concerns and spend time in His Word, my focus shifts from my son to His Son. And when that happens, I’m reminded daily to empty my bucket before it ever has the chance to fill up.

Have you emptied your bucket lately?

The foot of the cross is a great place to do that.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28