I really dislike clutter. Seeing piles of paper & mail stacked high makes me cringe- the need to organize then flourishes within my soul.

A few months back, Kevin and I bought a heavy duty shredder and with good reason. My husband is a hoarder of what he likes to call “important documents.” I like to joke that he’s from the Stone Age and therefore forgets we can always find an electronic copy if we need it.

So with Laynie at her Mimi’s and nothing on DVR, we took full advantage of our Friday night minus one kid… we attacked our work desk and put our heavy duty shredder to the test. (Oh what fun it is to be an adult!)

Have you ever gone through old documents with your spouse? It’s pretty funny… well at least it was for me. Kevin has bank statements and bills that reach as far back as WWII. We actually had a great time and laughed hysterically; but the best part of last night was not the shredding of bank statements and bills. The best part was when we came across a file titled “Laynie.”

Looking through all that was in the “Laynie” file required a trip down memory lane. The file contained letters & statements from our attorneys, custody agreements/final orders from the attorney general and any other piece of paper from what I like to call our “Jerry Springer” phase of life. (Click here to watch our testimony about it).

As we examined each document, I actually relived some of our past. I saw for the first time the original letter that Kevin wrote me a few weeks before Laynie was born regarding what he wanted to do about visitation and custody arrangements. I remember receiving a copy of that letter in the mail and thinking to myself, “I will hate this man for the rest of my life!”

It’s funny how looking back into our past we quickly focus on the hurts rather than the joys. My mind immediately revisited the pain instead of the peace that came from it. Don’t misunderstand, going through those files, I was not stuck in the pain longer than a few seconds… but it was still my first thought. Thankfully because of the forgiveness that Kevin and I chose to extend to one another, my mind quickly trumped the painful memory for the thought of “look at what all God has done despite our painful past!!”

Kevin and I laughed as we went through the Laynie file. We laughed at how much money we wasted on attorneys and child support, but most of all we laughed at ourselves. We determined that because we acted in fear we paid a lot more (both monetarily and emotionally) than we would have if we had acted in faith and trusted our Lord.

So what did we do with the Laynie file???….the file that contained our shameful, painful and pricey past?

WE PUT IT ALL IN THE SHREDDER!!

It was a great feeling and rightfully so! Kevin and I have forgiven each other for the mistakes made in the past. And because we chose to forgive (Mark 11:25), that means never bringing it up again. I can’t think of a better symbolism of forgiveness than putting our past where it belongs…in a shredder!! After all, isn’t that what God does for us when we ask for forgiveness? (Hebrews 8:12, Psalm 103:12)

Is there something you’re holding onto that needs to be shredded? A file of past hurts or a stack of wrongs done? Can I lovingly make a suggestion?

Shred it!

Holding onto such material is cluttering your life. For some, the piles of pain are stacked so high you can’t see the hope and peace that’s on the other side. I don’t know what you’ve been through and would not dare disrespect you by downplaying the pain you’ve experienced… But I do know this- Forgiveness is not excusing what someone else has done. Forgiveness is not enabling another person to continue to hurt you. Forgiveness is embracing what God can do in spite of what others have done.

Letting go of the past can be hard. If we do, it feels like we’re giving up control…or excusing the behavior of others…or saying we’re okay with the way we’ve been treated. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Letting go and shredding our past means we’re giving it over to the Lord. We’re letting Him be the judge and jury (Romans 12:19). We’re letting Him do what only He can…

Bring us hope & peace.

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I heard this poem a couple of years after my sister was paralyzed. I don’t know the author. It’s one of those poems I memorized because it’s so simple and had such a significant impact on my life at the time… and it still does! If you’ve never heard it, I hope you enjoy it!

Let Go
As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God, because He is my friend.
But instead of leaving Him in peace and quiet to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help, with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried, “How can You be so slow!?”
“My child,” He said, “What could I do? You never did let go.”

I think I’ve learned more in the past four years of parenthood, than I ever learned in all my years of college. My AA, BS, and both MAs did a meager job in preparing me for motherhood. I think most parents would agree with me when I say, this is a whole different ball game.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT complaining! In fact I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but I think I learn more from my children than they do from me!

Am I the only one that feels this way??

I’d like to share with you all that I learned from my children today.

1. Think of others before yourself.
This morning my sleepy, half naked 4 year-old walks into our bathroom rubbing her eyes. Kevin gently asks, “Why are you awake, sugar bear? You should still be sleeping.” Without hesitation, Laynie lovingly replied, “Daddy, I didn’t want to miss you leaving for work.”
How precious is that? She could’ve rolled over and gone back to sleep…but no, she doesn’t want to miss a second of daddy time. I must admit, when it comes to things like sleep, I’m not thinking of anyone but myself.

2. It’s ok to cry.
About an hour later, Gideon had OT. I love his OT, but Gideon is not a fan. She makes him do the hard work. And as much as he wants the comforting arms of his mama, he’s got to do it. And although it breaks my heart to see him struggle and cry, I know it’s best for him.
In this moment today, I wondered if this is how God feels when I’m crying. He would love to pick me up and spare me the pain and tears, but He knows something better will come from my struggle.

3. Focus on what matters.
Fast forward to 11 am, I’m trying to quickly get in-and-out of the chiropractor’s office and of course, both kids have to poop and now Gideon is screaming because he’s starving. After both bottoms are clean and a bottle is made, Gideon is lying on the couch (feeding himself no less) and Laynie for the millionth time says “Mommy…look! Really look!”
She found a Tonka Truck and apparently it did a million cool things. And in that moment, my first thought was, “I don’t care about Tonka Trucks!”
But my toy preference wasn’t what mattered here. Laynie was. And something was new and exciting to her and because she’s worthy of my love, affection, and attention, I had a responsibility (and a privilege really) to focus on HER. She (and Gideon) matter.

4. Don’t take people for granted
After being thrown off my “schedule”, we still found time to grab lunch and eat with Mimi. I hate to admit this, but we rushed in and rushed out. I kept trying to shove food down Laynie, but she was persistent in loving on and playing with Mimi. Unlike my daughter, I most often take time with my mom for granted. Laynie never does. To her, Mimi hung the moon & the stars.
Adulthood sometimes takes the luster out of life. We forget that those we love won’t always be here. Laynie reminded me today how I shouldn’t take those I love for granted…especially my mama.

5. I’m never really lost.
On our way to Southlake, we got lost because my phone hasn’t been updated since ios5 (yes, I’m an old lady who doesn’t like change…but that’s a whole other issue). In my frustration, I blurted out, “Well, we’re lost!” And leave it to Laynie to respond with, “Mom! God always finds us! I bet He’s looking for us right now!”
I’m sorry, what 4 year old says things like that?? Apparently, mine does. Wise want-to-be-eighteen-woman that she is… Sometimes I feel like God speaks through her just to make a point. Maybe the point today was that we’re never really lost…just too busy to notice God is there.

6. True beauty is within.
After leaving the hair appointment I was afraid we’d never get to, Laynie tells me how beautiful we both look. My initial thought was, “Well you do, but I have no make-up on, none of my clothes fit…” I’ll stop there with the self tear down. You see where I’m going don’t you?
My definition of beauty has been tainted by mainstream media. Laynie sees my heart and she loves me the way I am. She hasn’t yet been taught by the world to judge by appearances. And I’ll be a fool if she learns it from me. So my response to her sweet compliment was, “We really do, don’t we???”
And while we’re talking about visible beauty, what about my Gideon? He may never know what his mama looks like, but you know what? His love for me & others will never be conditional upon appearance. How refreshing is that in a world that bases beauty & worth on our exterior?

7. Problems are solvable.
After dinner, we had to go to Laynie’s ballet class. But before we left, she wanted to help make Gideon’s bottle. I told her no, because we were in a hurry (are you seeing a pattern here?), but because she was insistent, powdered similac went all down the front of her leotard. My response- “See Laynie, now it’s all over your leotard!” Her response- “Well, mom, we can always just dust it off!”
Yes…yes we can. Looking back how silly for me to be upset. All I could see was something happened that I was trying to avoid…and here is my 4 year old, with a simple solution to my perceived problem. Who’s the adult here? Problems are solvable.

8. Just dance
Laynie loves life. It’s apparent in all she does- especially in her dance class. I don’t want to sound like a mean parent, but Laynie got Kevin’s sense of rhythm (or lack there of). But she doesn’t care. She’s that little girl, front a center, off beat but smiling, and pushing through to the end because she loves to take a bow and she loves the applause.
It doesn’t matter whose watching. Some days you just gotta dance.

9. Roll with it.
Poor Gideon, we drug him through a lot today. After some hard therapy, we drove all over the DFW area and Gideon just rolled with it. As long as he was fed and dry, he was content to roll in the stroller and chew on some toys.
I don’t remember the last time I was content to just roll with the events as they unfolded. Wouldn’t life be easier, if we could just take the day as it comes? Roll with the punches?

I love my kids. Like most parents, I think they’re pretty stinkin’ awesome. Crazy to think God would loan me such unique gifts. And if I would ever just slow down, all of my days could be spent savoring each moment that has been given. Like Laynie and Gideon, I would realize that life can be (and was meant to be) enjoyed!!

If I could go back to this morning, I would tell the 6:30 AM “me” to slow down, take a deep breath and get ready….because today is going to be a great day full of God-given blessings. Don’t miss it because of your “schedule.”

Back in September, Gideon was invited to be part of a clinical trial. Most people jump at a chance like this, but for me it seemed to be just another unknown…and for me, the unknown usually causes me to fear.

The study involves the administration of the drug Betaine for 6 months. In a petri dish, Betaine was found to help the peroxisomes functions better and while that would be great news for Gideon, we were told that what happens in a petri dish does not always translate to the human body. Therefore the doctors were very clear that this is not a cure for peroxisomal biogenesis disorder; in fact they don’t really know what to expect. The drug has been used for a completely different disorder so they know the side effects are minimal; but until now, the drug has never been used on our PBD kids.

The drug did not arrive until a few weeks ago, and due to illness and travel, we just began administering it to Gideon on Monday. So far he has done great! Crazy to think this will last into June- he has to take the Betaine orally 3x/day! Holy cow, I can barely remember to take my vitamins once a day… Hopefully I won’t screw this up.

It’s funny how we can feel so frightened by the unknown. If you know me well, then you know I’m not a fan of medication unless its really necessary. Take the Betaine for example- I know it sounds ridiculous, but I was so worried about it in the beginning. I had never heard of this drug, and even though we agreed to be a part of the study (back in September), Kevin and I prayed about it until the drug actually got here. Then once it arrived, I had two nurses and my chiropractor look it over. Turns out Betaine is a nutritional supplement that can be bought at GNC (not in the dose we have of course).

All that worry and fear…for what?

I tell you that story because I’m always learning something new (and old) from our journey with Gideon. This is may come as a shock to you (insert sarcasm), but God wants me to be fearless. All the praying I did about our unknowns & seeking wise counsel for my uncertainties… those are all good. However, they all seem counter productive if I’m not willing to let go of my fear.

While we were in San Antonio this weekend, Kevin and I were having heart to heart moment about “when that time comes”… (If you’re new to my blog, that phrase always means when Gideon goes home to be with The Lord). We don’t discuss it often, but sometimes, through random circumstances, it just comes up. As long as I live, I’ll never forget this moment. With tears in our eyes, I asked Kevin the unanswerable question, “What are we going to do?” At that moment a poster board that had been in front of me for over an hour hit my direct line of sight, and one word caught my eye….

Fear-less.

I realize I’m about to state the obvious, but that poster board reminded me (yet again) that God doesn’t want us to live in fear. He wants us to live in FAITH. Faith that He’s still in control even when the circumstances of our lives seem like they are not. He wants us to know we can trust Him because He is the author and perfecter of our faith. He has the final say. He knows our fears and holds our tears long before they ever fall to the foot of the cross.

Philip Yancy once said, “Faith means believing in advance, what will only make sense in reverse.”

This means we can trust His heart even when we cannot see beyond our mountain. When its all said and done, the pieces will fit. If we believe God and His word, then fear falls out of the equation. The death and resurrection of Jesus leaves us with a faith like no other. Ultimately its that faith demolishes our fears.

So no matter what we face-
We don’t have to worry about all our unknowns.
We don’t have to have everything figured out in advance.
We’re not expected to know all the answers.
And we certainly weren’t created to live in fear…praise be to God for that!

I don’t know what mountain you face today. I haven’t traveled your road nor walked in your shoes. But I want to encourage you to open your eyes & ears as you go. I don’t know much, but I do know Jesus goes before us.

And faith in Him renders us fearless.