“Oh, the joys of having my heart broken.” –said no one ever!
When was the last time you found yourself heartbroken? There are an infinite number of things that lead us to heart break – could be anything from unfaithfulness, lies or abuse to sickness, suffering or death. Last Friday I had a break down because I found myself heart broken yet again.
Thursday some very wonderful ladies came out to evaluate Gideon for Auditory Impairment Services. (Mind you, he’s already been receiving Vision Impairment Services for several weeks now). I didn’t think much of their evaluation/questions until Friday morning when the Vision teacher came out to the house. She brought two huge bags for me to keep and they were filled with wonderful toys for children with vision impairment. Before I go any further, let me just say, I’m beyond grateful for these resources. However, as she was going through everything I began to recall some of the questions the ladies from Thursday had asked about Gideon…and then I noticed something.
I began to watch Gideon as the teacher was explaining these new resources. As he played with his own familiar toys that surrounded him, for the first time, I noticed that Gideon never once looked at any of his toys. He felt them and moved his hands around each one, patting/banging on them…but never once did he turn his eyes towards them.
I’m okay admitting to y’all that I lost it! Hoover Dam could not have closed those floodgates!
I knew Gideon’s vision was limited… And I knew the last vision test we did couldn’t have been accurate (because he cried through the entire test). But I didn’t know it was THAT bad. Maybe it’s part of my denial. After all, his health is outstanding (given his diagnosis). No seizures, no feeding tube, no oxygen…yet…And if you’ve met our little guy, you can’t help but think, he doesn’t look like a kid with a terminal disease.
Sorry to be a Debbie-downer here, but ever since Friday I’ve been in a funk. The thought of raising a son who is mostly blind and mostly deaf…how do I do that????? I’m not qualified for this!! And did I mention, it’s just not fair!!! Needless to say, I’ve thrown quite a few pity parties over the past several days… And to be honest, when I’m that down I don’t always run to God’s word (especially when I’m mad at Him). Unfortunately, in my frustration, sometimes I just open Facebook.
But let me tell you something about my God. If there’s a message I need to hear, He makes sure I hear it loud and clear. So who should pop up first in my news feed? Lysa TerKeurst– Christian author. Here was her status update- “Having a pity party is a good clue that you’re relying on your own strength and not God’s.”
Did you hear that? God totally called me out right there. Plain as day, I’m looking at this from the wrong perspective. I can’t do this… Not without my Lord.
As my heart began to break with all the trials I know I will face, God was telling me that I’m not alone in this journey. He is with me and praise God because I need Him every step of the way. He’s made it clear that His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9) and his yoke is light (Matthew 11:29-30).
My heart has been broken many times over the years. None of course compares to how my heart breaks for my own son (which by the way, God gets that too). I was telling God how much I hate being brokenhearted when I realized something. Even though no one wants to be brokenhearted, it’s actually the best place in life to be. Psalm 34:18 says,
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Are you like me? Are you dwelling in a pit of despair because your heart is broken beyond recognition? Can I tell you something? You’re in good company. Being brokenhearted means being close to the Lord. What better place to be than close to Him? I want you to be encouraged, because your heart won’t stay that way. Psalm 147:3 says,
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
And when it’s all said and done, when God has pieced back together every part of your heart, He will use you to help heal others. “…the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives…” -Isaiah 61:1.
After all, who better to offer encouragement to the brokenhearted, than someone who’s already been there, under the wing of the Almighty Healer?
Praying for all those who are brokenhearted tonight.
Your strength is so inspiring and I’m praying for continued strength and peace for you!! Hugs to you, your family and that sweet baby boy Gideon.
Thank you Candy! Your prayers are felt!! God bless!
You have me in tears over here. What a battle that must be to have realized that (on top of everything else)! Praying for y’all and especially sweet Gideon. Thank you for always being an inspiration, even when you are facing so much.
Thank you Heather! I just love you and your precious family!! God bless you and yours. 🙂
Thank you Sam for your beautiful insight. You are such an inspiration and those were exactly the words I needed to hear today. God bless you and your beautiful family.
Thank you Ashley! I appreciate the encouragement so much. 🙂 I love your art by the way!! You are super gifted!!!
Wow, Samantha, this is beautiful & I’m amazed at how quickly you’ve gone from your (very understandable!) “pity party” to preaching the good news of how God uses our brokenness for our good and his glory. Thank you for the reminder. You’re right, it’s a good place to be . . . certainly compared to functioning w/o knowing our need for God . . . and what comfort to remember that one glorious day, not too far from now, the blind will see, there will be no more death, no more mourning or suffering. Praying for God’s continued comfort and strengthening for you.
Thank you Kristi. Your kind words and encouragement mean a lot! I look forward to the day when He will wipe away every tear indeed!! Thank you for taking the time to bless me so!! God bless you and yours!
Love getting your updates, it’s a nice reminder that I get to pray for you and your family. Praying again for strength and patience for you. I know that when I’m stressed I have very little patience with those around me. Praying for your husband, a lot of time it’s hard for them to express their feelings and we don’t really know what they are going through. Praying for Laynie that she can be a sweet good little girl, sometimes we just need them on their best behaviors. Praying for Gideon and God’s will for him. And Praising God for your family and the example and encouragement you are.
I’ll leave you with this, I don’t know if you ever thought about these verses this way:
PSALM 139: 13-16
For you formed Gideon’s inward parts;
you knitted him together in my womb.
I praise you, for Gideon is fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
Gideon’s frame was not hidden from you,
when he was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw Gideon’s unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for Gideon,
when as yet there was none of them.
Thank you Jacey! You always leave me feeling so encouraged!! I love Gideon’s name inserted into that verse! Makes it all that more intimate and meaningful. Your prayers mean so much. Most days I feel as though peoples’ prayers are the only thing getting me through. Thank you for being so faithful to lift us up- truly you’re a blessing! I’m grateful to “virtually” know you. 🙂
Thank you for sharing and thank you for your blog! I’m thankful I found you. I needed to read this today. I love what Lysa TerKeurst said. How relevant right now in some areas of my life! Take care and prayers for your sweet family!
Tessa, I’m glad you found me too and that you found relevance in what was written. Your prayers are much appreciated! Thanks for taking the time to message me! God bless you and yours. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your life. Know that Jesus is truly using you in this time to touch others like me. Prayers for you and your family.
Thank you Amy. I appreciate your encouragement!! God bless!
Samantha, I am Laura Whalen’s mom. Our grandbaby, Emerson, was born the same day as Gideon at Medical City. I just wanted to let you know that you, Gideon, Lainie and your sweet husband are in my prayers. I am in awe of your strength and wisdom. You are doing a wonderful job.. Your blog affects far more people than you know.
Hi Ronna!! How funny, the same day and at the same hospital!! I’m so thankful that you took the time to message me. Your prayers and encouragement are very much appreciated. I’m blessed to know my journey is helping others. Thanks again Ronna!! God bless you and yours!!
Have been studying the beatitudes at a Bible study this week. From the Message:
Mat 5:3-8
You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you . Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are-no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.
You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God . He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.
You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being “care-ful” you find yourselves cared for.
You’re blessed when you get your inside world- your mind and heart- put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
Samantha, thank you for being so willing to share your struggles with so many. It helps us all re- focus on what’s real in God’s eyes.
Lynn, how perfect! I love the message version! So well put!! Thank you for being so wise and for helping me along my journey! So privileged to grown up down the street from you and your family! 🙂 Love you!!
Wow. So powerful for you to be an encouragement to others during your own struggles. You are allowed to and definitely need your “days” mama, hang in there. Prayers always for your amazing family.
Thank Genevie!! I appreciate you and your encouragement so much! 🙂
I’m sorry that I wasn’t as good of a listener as I should have been last Friday. I guess there were so many things to talk about to get to know you better…I should have focused on your hurt.
Seth continues to improve in his sight and hearing, so I am in a different place than you. But for over 18 months he was without hearing (to speak of) and sight. I had my share of tears, believe me. I also had the blunt truth of it slapped across my face when therapists started asking questions. How could I have been so blind myself not to notice these things? What kind of mother am I? Would it help you to know that prior to the newborn hearing screenings, there were lots of deaf and profoundly hard of hearing kids who were not diagnosed until 2 or 3 years? I know one mom of this era quite well, and she still carries some guilt about not realizing her child’s deficiency. We just can’t let Satan use this as a tool to bring us further down.
I know it hurts to think how our children won’t be able to enjoy this life as we do – to see all the beauty of God’s hand, or to hear sweet sounds around them. There are two things that I think of though. First, this world is not our home! It is so trivial and brief. Our culture is so worldly that all we focus on is this life – just the drop in the bucket – instead of the real picture. Gideon and Seth will see and hear – and soon! Which brings me to the second point (this is one I use to dwell on often, especially before his cochlear implant). Can you imagine how sweet it will be for my baby (and yours too) to stand before His throne and join with the thousands of angels and saints as they lift their voices in praise to the Savior? To me it will be all the sweeter in their “ears.”
Have you heard of Fanny Crosby? (I don’t think that is her actual name but a pen name) Here is one of her poems, and she wrote a lot of good ones!
Oh, what a happy soul I am,
Although I cannot see,
I am resolved that in this world
Contented I will be.
How many blessings I enjoy
That other people don’t
To weep and sigh because I’m blind
I cannot nor I won’t.
“I think it is a great pity that the Master did not give you sight when he showered so many other gifts upon you,” remarked one well-meaning preacher.
Fanny Crosby responded at once, as she had heard such comments before. “Do you know that if at birth I had been able to make one petition, it would have been that I was born blind?” said the poet, who had been able to see only for her first six weeks of life. ” Because when I get to heaven, the first face that shall ever gladden my sight will be that of my Savior.
I hope that helps some. Like the “Holland”poem states, though we may focus on the bright side of each trial, it is still painful. I get that. But we choose to glorify God and rejoice in tribulation. Seth has taught me many lessons (as I am sure Gideon has for you), but of all, he is taught me pure faith. To let go of it all and trust He is able to do above all that we ask or think . “The Lord is my strength and my Salvation.” I have no cause for worry or for fear, nor anger or tears.
You seem to have a strong faith, but if you aren’t quite where I am yet, God isn’t finished with us yet! Our boys are in the best of hands. Let’s just hold them and love them for this day, for that is all that we have.
Beth!! Don’t you dare apologize!! Meeting you was the highlight of my day!! I was not going to “unload” on someone I just met! 🙂 As far as Satan goes, he’s been trying to bring me down for years, but God has always been and always will be mightier than him. As quick as the guilt comes in, God’s grace sends it back out! 🙂
I like what you said about Fanny. How perfect that the first face Gideon will truly see is the face of the Almighty! You are full of many resources and I’m sure I will be calling on you for lots of guidance since you’ve been there first. 🙂 Thank you for loving someone you just met and being such a support to me. I’m grateful our paths have crossed, which if not for our sons, they might never have. God is good. 🙂
Thank you for messaging me and we’ll get together again soon!!
Wow…cannot imagine what you’re going through. Yet, I know, that OUR God, OUR mighty God, OUR loving God sympathizes with you and with your situation…and with mine. Your family is constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for putting your thoughts into a blog that we can be encouraged by. God IS using you and He IS using Gideon.
Thank you Leslie!! OUR God is good indeed!! 🙂
This post made my heart ache for you. And for me. I, too, am broken hearted. I too, wait on God to bring a miracle. Hugs.
Patricia, thank you for taking the time to message me. I’m so sorry your heart aches as well. In situations like ours I’m reminded of that song (I think it’s by Kutless) called “Even If”.. The words and go, “even if the healing doesn’t come and life falls apart and dreams are still un-done, You are God you are good forever faithful one, even if the healing doesn’t come.” I cannot help but think God’s got bigger things in mind for people like you and me. Bigger then we will ever understand. I am praying for you and yours as well. Hugs.
I know it is probably impossible for you to feel strength all the time….your words in your moments of clarity are so uplifting and amazing. I hope you can read your posts in times where you don’t feel the strength that you post about. I don’t know if that makes sense but your words are so powerful. My heart is with you and especially with your little Gideon today and every day. May God bless that little baby of yours with peace and happiness.
Denise, thank you. It does make sense! I appreciate your kind words. Thank you for lifting us up. It means a lot. 🙂
I am so sorry for each and every obstacle that seems to slap you in the face. I am a teacher of the visually impaired–have not seen Gideon and how he utilizes his functioning vision. I do want to make a comment that might be reassuring to you. He may not be looking directly at the toy–but if his hands went to it he could be utilizing peripherral vision. Just hard to really say unless I saw his functioning. Visually Impairment works differently with every child. My suggestion to you would be to look at his actual eye report up–see what is diagnosis is in the eye department at this time. Maybe it will shed some light on what he can or cannot see or how he utilizes what vision he has. It is absolutely amazing how the brain compensates and allows the eyes to function in different way. Or send me the diagnosis–I might be able to explain some things for you–or help you to know what to ask your VI teacher! Good luck and keep your chin up! You are doing a superb job.
Much Love,
Melissa Miller
Thanks Melissa for your insight! We have a follow up vision test in November but I’m thinking of getting a second opinion from another doctor in Dallas who works with kids like Gideon. I love the Doctor we use now, but he’s even said that he’s never had a kid with Gideon’s diagnosis. When I get some kind of report I would love to send it your way! Thank you for your encouragement and wisdom! I’ll be in touch, hopefully soon!