“It’s not fair!”

This is how my almost-5-year-old responds to everything we tell her… or at least it seems to be that way these days. And let me tell you, it drives Kevin and I insane!!

Being a former teacher, I’m not sure there is a phrase that makes my blood boil more than the classic, it’s not fair whine. My response to my students was always some witty & extreme comeback that would invoke the equally frustrating eye roll. Praise God I’m a stay at home mom now and only hear this from a kid I can actually discipline! Unfortunately for Kevin, he teaches elementary and hears it all day….bless his heart. Y’all can pray for him.

So after another discussion with Laynie about fairness last night, we put her to bed and went to bed ourselves. Before we laid down, I received a text from a friend who was answering some questions about adaptive stroller & wheelchair options for Gideon. I was relaying the information to Kevin when all of a sudden, I just lost it.

Y’all, I don’t even like making decisions about the family budget (thanks Dave Ramsey for making me), much less medically important decisions for our little boy!  As I laid back into Kevin arms crying, I said the phrase I hate the most….It’s not fair! We both laughed through the tears. In that moment, I felt like a little kid, crying out to my Heavenly Father, “But this is REALLY not fair God!!” My idea of fair is making decisions about a big boy bed and tiny tot sports, not browsing websites for wheelchairs!

Needless to say, James 1:2-4 quickly came to mind.  “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Lord, can’t I just be immature the rest of my life???

Thankfully, my tantrum subsided and I was able to regroup. Truth is, it’s not fair, and I think that’s the point. You can’t truly appreciate the sunshine if it never storms. So why would we ever need God if this life was always wonderful and fair?

Another question is how do we reconcile this inner child that hungers for everything to actually be fair? I don’t really know the answer to this, but I do know some things that work for me.

• Pray with someone who is in a storm. Turning the focus off ourselves, and seeing how we can meet a need for someone else is a great place to start.
• Count your blessings. Sounds cheesy, but if you’re honest with yourself, you probably have way more to be thankful for than you realize.
• Talk with a friend or counselor who won’t let you wallow in self pity. Nothing is worse than a person who lets your down-spiral to an even deeper pit of despair.
• Praise God. Truly, acknowledging that he is God and we are not, will make all the difference in how you handle your “It’s not fair” moments.

I like Cherokee Legend about the two wolves battling within. One is evil and one is good. And the one you feed is the one that wins.

This may be a stretch on the legend, but go with me. If I constantly dwell (feed) on the idea that my life is unfair, then I’ll end up bitter, cynical and lonely (because who likes to be around bitterness?). But if I choose to focus on the promised good that will come from my unfortunate circumstances (Romans 8:28), then I’ll live a much more fulling, joyful and purposeful life.  And who wouldn’t want that???

I don’t know your circumstances, but I’d be willing to bet they are unfair. And the only good news I have for you is that you get to make the choice in how you will respond to those circumstances.

Choose wisely.

I have always loved the original quote by Theodore Roosevelt, but after a recent Bible study session (with some amazing ladies!), I realized something: comparison steals more than just joy.

I was sitting with a group of girls that are very dear to my heart. We were sharing our stories and struggles, when a friend began her story with, “Well, this seems silly but…..” She then proceeded to share a very real struggle in her life. And thankfully a wise friend beat me to the punch when she pointed out that our friend’s struggle was not at all silly. She reassured her that what she was facing was real, important and worthy to share. That’s when it hit me, comparison is the thief of more than just joy….

It robs us of intimate fellowship and everything that comes along with it.

Think about it. How many times have we held back telling others what we are going through because we were worried that what we have to share may not seem like a big deal when compared to another’s struggle? When that happens we miss out on an opportunity to encourage and to be encouraged. We miss out on the chance to extend support and receive grace. We miss out on a moment to grow and to truly empathize* with another. All because we have predetermined in our minds that our struggles don’t compare with that of another.

Comparison steals any hope we have to love, connect and to build deep relationships.

I ran into this problem with a very close friend recently. When I found out some BIG things were going on in her life, she told me, “Well I just didn’t want to worry you, you’ve got your hands full….I mean it’s really not that big of a deal.” Sometimes I fear people think we hold the trump card because of our son’s diagnosis. Let me assure you, we do not! In fact, if you never read anything I write ever again, please know this…

Our struggles do not eclipse yours!!!

In a season of pain and suffering, we can isolate ourselves if we are not careful.  Don’t ever let anyone tell you that your struggles are not that bad. If they affect you physically, emotionally, or spiritually, then your struggles matter and they are worthy to be shared. No one has the right to hold a trump card over you. And if they do, then they have other issues they need to address within themselves.

We have to let go of comparing our circumstances. Pain, brokenness, sorrow…they all feel the same no matter what it is we are facing. So instead of comparing it, why don’t we lay it out for what it is and praise God for the chance to truly empathize with another.

If we can get past sympathy and learn empathy, then we can connect and have fellowship… and everything good that comes with it.

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*Empathy: If you don’t know the difference between empathy and sympathy, please watch this short video. Even if you do know, it’s worth your 3 minutes to watch.

I absolutely love the Timehop app. Let me go ahead and confess, I obsess about the stupid thing way too much. But it’s so cool to be able to look back and see what was going on in my life years ago.*

So when I opened the app the other morning, the photo above popped up.

I was overcome with emotion. Looking at this photo, I was reminded of what God brought us through.** If I had to caption this photo in one word it would be reconciliation. The definition of reconciliation is to bring into agreement or harmony; the process of making compatible or consistent.

To give you a little more background, I was a bridesmaid in my cousin’s wedding and the newlyweds had just begun their first dance. I was standing alone watching the beautiful moment unfold when I felt two arms embrace me from behind. My heart pounded, my palms began to sweat and I thought for sure my knees would buckle. Kevin and I had been successfully co-parenting for a few months,and the moment captured here (unknown to us at the time), was the first time he had shown me any kind of public affection.

But after all the pain we had put each other through…was there still hope that we could truly be reconciled?

2 Corinthians 5:18-21 says,

All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

I love this passage because it’s a reminder that God reconciled us to himself in spite of our transgressions…past, present, and future!! That got me thinking… If we can be reconciled to God after every horrible thing we’ve done, how much more can our relationships here be reconciled?***

But just like the person who thinks their sin is too big to be forgiven, the thought of reconciling our relationship seemed impossible. After all, Kevin and I were different people now. We had been through too much. The statistics were not in our favor. Impossible pretty much sums up any chance we had of reconciling. But in the words of Christine Caine, impossible is where God starts. And He’s always been in the business of reconciliation.

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*For those of you who’ve never heard of Timehop, the app connects to your social media and shows you what you posted 1 year ago that day…2 years ago that day…3 years ago that day…you get the idea. It’s like a online journal for the lazy…ahem, I mean busy.

**If you don’t know our story, see the link on my About Me page.

***I am in no way suggesting that every relationship should be reconciled. If you’ve been abused physically, sexually, or verbally, God does not call us to stay or go back to those relationships. If you’re a victim of abuse, please call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233.