Just one week shy of turning 21 months, Gideon had his very first visit to the ER. It started early Saturday morning. He was more fussy than usual and after eating, he did something crazy that he never does…he took a 3 hour nap!!

And even though we woke him up, he never really woke up. He dozed in and out, and was very lethargic. He threw up everything except his toenails, and wouldn’t eat or drink anything. His armpit temperature went from 101 to a consistent 103.5, so we made the decision to take him to the ER.

The only problem was that we were visiting Kevin’s parents which is 2 hours away from the hospital where Gideon’s specialists reside…yikes!! So we hopped in the car, with big sis in tow, and made the 2 hour trip in record time!!! (It was way less than 2 hours…the hubs may or may not have sped. I plead the 5th.)

We checked in, got taken back almost immediately (I may have pulled the terminal kid card on the intake form), had a chest x-ray, blood work and IV fluids, and then checked out! We were there for a total of 4 hours. I was seriously impressed by this!!

The diagnosis was an upper respiratory infection with a small touch of possible pneumonia (apparently it was very hard to see, but someone thinks they saw it). But the interesting part was when they came back to draw more blood. A second sample confirmed the first and we now have to follow-up with a hematologist. Apparently both samples indicated that Gideon’s platelet count is in the 85K range when it should be in the 130K range.

So what does this mean?

I have no clue, and I probably should. They didn’t say what it meant only that we should see a hematologist. I should be researching and calling my PBD parents group…but its 1:30 am and if I’m being honest, I’m too darn tired to care or Google it.

Anyways, whatever the case, God’s not surprised nor worried about it and right now, I’m not either.

ER Visit 1, this mamma 0

Stay tuned for next week, when we have a swallow study, an ABR, and a hematologist appointment…all in the same week.

Lord help me.

At 20 months old, Gideon cannot walk or crawl because of his genetic disorder. When I lay him on the floor, he either licks it or bangs his head against it. So unless we are at home, Gideon is either in his stroller or I’m holding him. More often times than not, he’s in my arms.

He is only 20 lbs, but he is pretty much dead weight. Not to mention, holding Gideon is like holding a 20 pound fish out of water. Sometimes he will be still long enough for me to hold him with ease, but after a few seconds he begins to squirm & needs to be re-positioned. The cradle position quickly becomes boring, so I’ll toss him up over my shoulder where he plays grab-the-hair game and hits himself with my hair. But eventually that gets old for him (and painful for me) and he wants to face-forward. He likes to flap his arms and kick his legs hoping to make contact with something. Usually that something is my face and so I take him back to the cradle position and we repeat this frustrating cycle all over again… until I put him back in his stroller or some sweet soul offers to hold him….bless their hearts.

So the other day, I was going through this routine while holding him in the shower (yes, I’m that crazy), when on the way down to the cradle position his mouth met my arm. Usually he blows raspberries, but this time Gideon bit into me as if I was a state fair turkey leg. When he finally let go, I re-positioned him so I could pop him in the mouth and tell him no.

Thankfully Kevin heard the commotion and rushed in just in time for the awkward hand off. As I stood there in shower, the frustration I felt quickly turned into tears. Why does holding my son always have to be a struggle? Through my sobs, I cried out to God, “What am I supposed to do with a child that fights me all the time?!”

You love him, just as I have always loved you.

In that moment, I realized how much I was just like Gideon in the arms of my Heavenly Father. How many times have I’ve struggled & fought against Him because I wanted to be free to do things my own way? How often do I still push away His guiding hand because I think I can handle it better than He can?

Gideon doesn’t know why I can’t just put him down whenever he wants. He doesn’t understand the danger of licking the floor or banging his head against it. Truthfully, he may never comprehend why I do the things I do and that’s a hard reality for me to accept. I really just want to hold him without it always being such a struggle.

It’s kind of funny because I’m pretty sure God feels the same way about me.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. .” John 15:5

“It’s not fair!”

This is how my almost-5-year-old responds to everything we tell her… or at least it seems to be that way these days. And let me tell you, it drives Kevin and I insane!!

Being a former teacher, I’m not sure there is a phrase that makes my blood boil more than the classic, it’s not fair whine. My response to my students was always some witty & extreme comeback that would invoke the equally frustrating eye roll. Praise God I’m a stay at home mom now and only hear this from a kid I can actually discipline! Unfortunately for Kevin, he teaches elementary and hears it all day….bless his heart. Y’all can pray for him.

So after another discussion with Laynie about fairness last night, we put her to bed and went to bed ourselves. Before we laid down, I received a text from a friend who was answering some questions about adaptive stroller & wheelchair options for Gideon. I was relaying the information to Kevin when all of a sudden, I just lost it.

Y’all, I don’t even like making decisions about the family budget (thanks Dave Ramsey for making me), much less medically important decisions for our little boy!  As I laid back into Kevin arms crying, I said the phrase I hate the most….It’s not fair! We both laughed through the tears. In that moment, I felt like a little kid, crying out to my Heavenly Father, “But this is REALLY not fair God!!” My idea of fair is making decisions about a big boy bed and tiny tot sports, not browsing websites for wheelchairs!

Needless to say, James 1:2-4 quickly came to mind.  “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Lord, can’t I just be immature the rest of my life???

Thankfully, my tantrum subsided and I was able to regroup. Truth is, it’s not fair, and I think that’s the point. You can’t truly appreciate the sunshine if it never storms. So why would we ever need God if this life was always wonderful and fair?

Another question is how do we reconcile this inner child that hungers for everything to actually be fair? I don’t really know the answer to this, but I do know some things that work for me.

• Pray with someone who is in a storm. Turning the focus off ourselves, and seeing how we can meet a need for someone else is a great place to start.
• Count your blessings. Sounds cheesy, but if you’re honest with yourself, you probably have way more to be thankful for than you realize.
• Talk with a friend or counselor who won’t let you wallow in self pity. Nothing is worse than a person who lets your down-spiral to an even deeper pit of despair.
• Praise God. Truly, acknowledging that he is God and we are not, will make all the difference in how you handle your “It’s not fair” moments.

I like Cherokee Legend about the two wolves battling within. One is evil and one is good. And the one you feed is the one that wins.

This may be a stretch on the legend, but go with me. If I constantly dwell (feed) on the idea that my life is unfair, then I’ll end up bitter, cynical and lonely (because who likes to be around bitterness?). But if I choose to focus on the promised good that will come from my unfortunate circumstances (Romans 8:28), then I’ll live a much more fulling, joyful and purposeful life.  And who wouldn’t want that???

I don’t know your circumstances, but I’d be willing to bet they are unfair. And the only good news I have for you is that you get to make the choice in how you will respond to those circumstances.

Choose wisely.