So last night was awful. Here lately, between both kids, I’m up every two hours again…just like the first 4 months of Gideon’s life.
I get up with Gideon around 11 pm and then in the middle of my deepest sleep at 1:45 am, Laynie wakes me up. So by the time I take her back to her bed, I realize why she’s up…. Gideon is screaming. (I don’t hear it initially because the door is shut, the bathroom fan is on, and the monitor is muted…mom of the year, right here). Poor Laynie hears it because she’s just across the hall. Then of course, I can’t fall back to sleep because he’s so loud now, despite all my efforts to silence him.
So with the exception of this past Monday (and a handful of other random good nights), this has been my life for the past 10 months. Exhausted….weary…worn… those don’t even begin to cover it!
I haven’t blogged much the past few weeks, mostly because I’m so tired. But there’s also another reason…. I’m ashamed to say this but I have to be honest…I’m disappointed that God hasn’t answered my prayer of sleep. I feel like the psalmist, “How long must I wait Lord?” It’s been almost 11 months, and I selfishly expected that God would help me out in this department. But for some reason, this prayer seems to go unanswered….and I get so mad that I don’t even care why.
So this morning when I got up, angry with my Lord, I opened my email to find a weekly devotional I get through BibleGateway by Christine Caine. It’s italicized below.
The points that slapped me in the face are in bold…
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Read Matthew 5:4
Jesus tells his disciples that those who mourn will be comforted.
Divine Appointments
There is something good waiting beyond disappointment for each of us. There are appointments that God has destined. There are good works for each of us to do. And isn’t it interesting that the word appointment comes from within the word disappointment?
I’ve often marveled at that because I’ve seen again and again how disappointments take something from us: a dream, a piece of our hearts—maybe whole chucks of it. But disappointment leaves something too: a gift, an opportunity, the possibility of creating change. This means we can move from the valley of the shadow of death to new horizons and bring others with us on that road.
The enemy would like us to feel such a depth of disappointment that we never find our way back to the plan God has for us. If he can convince us to stay stuck in our disappointment, we’ll miss many of our future God appointments. I realize that some disappointments seem so big that we can’t imagine ever being able to move beyond them. We ask deep questions and they go unanswered. For example, when someone dear to us dies, no explanation will satisfy the questions crying out inside. But even for these tragedies, God has made a way.
When a precious couple named Maria and Dimitri lost their fourteen-year-old-son, Peter, they had many unanswered questions. They struggled mightily but they didn’t try to answer them. Instead, they determined to walk down that road of disappointment and heartbreak with Jesus. On the day of Peter’s funeral, still burdened with pain, sorrow, and grief, their family made a decision. Even though they did not understand why this tragedy had occurred, they would continue to trust God. They would keep on believing his promises.
They proclaimed at the funeral: “Today is a sad day, but it is not a bad day. The devil thinks he has the victory because our son has died. But our son is alive with his Jesus, and is partying in heaven. The devil has not won. We are not burying our child today, but we are sowing him as seed into the soil of this nation. We believe in a mighty harvest of young people to spring forth. Out of one death, there shall arise new life.”
Their words said, this family bruised by grief but beautiful with belief stood silently. There is a road through disappointment. Disappointment is not an end but an opportunity for a divine appointment.
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Did any of that slap you in this face too? I know good can come from our disappointment, but I have NO idea what good could possibly come from 11 months of sleeplessness. Maybe God wants me to learn obedience despite my current circumstance. Maybe He wants me to learn I can trust Him, even when I’m literally at the end of my rope. Whatever lesson is to come while I wait through all this, I do believe it will be used for His glory. All that being said, I’m still human. And in this moment, in this season, my blood shot eyes can’t see beyond the horizon.
So if you actually made it to this last paragraph, please forgive me for my rambling & complaining. I know so many others have it so much worse than I, but I would like to ask for your continued prayers. Specifically for sleep- for all of us. I’ve waited so long to put my head down and truly, consistently, genuinely rest.
I can feel your exhaustion in your post and my heart is heavy for you today. I have watched my sweet husband suffer through sleepless nights for 20 years because of chronic pain. I have also listened to the cries of his heart for the Lord to answer. Many times, not receiving an answer and left wondering why. Sometimes the only thing he could say is I don’t understand, I am mad, but I still KNOW He’s there: even when I don’t feel him and even when He doesn’t answer. This journey you are on is impossible. But His grace is sufficient even when you have days that you don’t think so. I just want you to know that you always encourage me with your posts and that you honor the Lord by sharing your heart. You are precious in His sight.
Thanks for sharing Lori. I love you guys so much and appreciate your love and trust in The Lord. Thanks for your encouragement and prayers. We should hang out soon!
I’m praying for you lil momma. idk how you do it. I admire you so much.
Thanks friend! I miss you and love all your FB posts and photos. You keep me laughing!! (Jesus is how I do it!)
Jesus said, “Do you not know that I could call on my Father for help, and He would send me more than 10,000 angels?” Matthew 26:53
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He WILL be with you; He will neither fail you nor abandon you. Deuteronomy 31:8
He knows all, sees all, and understands all. In the name of Jesus may He supply you with each need each hour of the day/night. May He give your body, mind rest to love, care for His child. May He meet Gideon’s needs for him to be able to rest, sleep as well.
Fran, I miss you and would very much love to hug you right now. Thanks for your encouragement through the Word. I love you!!
When Jonah was about Gideon’s age we had a sleep study done and the Dr. At that time he explained that children with visual impairments were notorious for not sleeping because they produced no melatonin. Melatonin supplements have become our friend. It gives us 4 hours in a row, which I know is not a full night but better than what we were getting. Coffee and prayer lets you make it through the rest. If hubby, grandparents or friends offer to let you take a nap, head for the nearest pillow ASAP .
Tracie, good to know!! We have been throwing around the idea of a sleep study. I did not know that children with VI produced no melatonin. I had heard they produced less, but never none at all. I Will be talking to our hospice nurse ASAP!! I’m also going to spend the night at my parents tonight. Thanks for your wisdom friend!!!
Samantha, I have you and your family on my prayer list and am happy to specifically ask for sleep! My two children are grown and almost grown (my man cub is almost 18!) but I remember the toll from lack of sleep. I thank you and God for your posts. They touch me and I know others. I found your blog thru a mutual friend (Lindsey) and am so grateful for your words and your example of living a life with Christ – thru the good and bads. Hold on, your strength is in The Lord and prayer is powerful.
Amy
Amy, thanks for your encouraging words and continued prayers. Which Lindsey? (I know several really well! Lol).
Lindsey Scott 🙂
Loved her since kindergarten!! 🙂
So broken hearted for you…but God is near to the broken hearted. Hang on and keep trusting. Many, many, many prayers! Specific prayers for sleep, rest, and peace. Thanks for sharing:)
Thanks Leslie! I appreciate you so!!! 🙂
I wanted to let you know that I look forward to your posts. I imagine it’s hard to start a blog and muster the energy and eloquence to share your most personal struggles and to turn them into inspirational messages. You have really helped me gain perspective through religion (again). I feel I’ve been lost for awhile now and I am constantly reaching for something or someone to support and guide me during my own personal challenges as a mother, wife and person. I actually converted to Judaism in college and married a Jewish man (I met in NYC way after college) and am not at all involved in a Temple anymore but am considering looking for some sort of torah/talmud study group. I often struggle with feelings of jealousy – living in NYC and now an affluent suburb in CT (where we can barely afford to live) and having a 4.5 son with some behavioral challenges and another almost 2 yo son has been a very isolating struggle. It all seems insignificant in light of the challenges you face with Gideon but we all have our personal struggles and challenges within us and within our family. I pray for you and your family to have the strength and perspective you need to enjoy the time you have with Gideon. I am so grateful that you have shared your most personal feelings and struggles and hope you can continue to blog. I hope you can find a friend or family member who could come over to help and let you nap to catch up on sleep just a little bit. Take care and thank you again for sharing.
Thanks Elizabeth for sharing a part of your story & struggle as well. I think most moms feel as we do, but the need to “appear to have it all together” keeps us isolated. Before Gideon I would never admit to any of these feelings. Funny how that happens, isn’t it? Being fully known, faults and all, has been freeing for me & honestly my faith alone is the reason I make it through each day. I can’t help but think “what’s the point?” if this life is all there is. For me, everything is so meaningless without my Savior. Do you & your husband have any kind of support group, friends or family in CT? Community has made all the difference for us. Its still hard, but I can’t imagine how much worse things would be without our life group (small group from church), friends and family. Thanks again for lifting us up and following our story, your message has blessed me so! God bless you and yours!!
I wish I could help make things easier for you, will keep praying for all of you .
Thanks Sharon!
Oh Sam, I could feel your desperation through this post. Continue to have faith. WOW the way the Lord reaches out to us and just shakes and says “I’M HERE!”. Have you looked into any respite services, either through the therapy Gideon receives or local churches? I received some “respite hours” when Joseph was younger that I could use to pay qualified individuals to watch him for me to go to the store or whatever I needed. I also know in Plano there is an organization that forms at a church called Friday Night Friends that would allow you to drop the kids off for a couple hours to have some “you” time which desperately sounds like much needed rest at this point. Praying for rejuvenation for your soul and BODY so you can continue to stand strong although I have never doubted your strong faith in the Lord, and I look forward to your posts so much because of that. Continue to be strong Sam, through the storm. 🙂
Thanks Genevie. I do qualify for respite care for at least the next three months. The problem I have is getting someone here I trust who can come during the hours I need them. For example, my mom would be great but her work schedule won’t allow her to be here when I truly need her. My church friends have been instrumental in the past but so many of them have recently had babies or are about to have babies. And truthfully I don’t trust a stranger to come watch my kids while I sleep. So all that to say we are working on finding someone. We literally JUST got approved this month. Thanks for all your prayers and ideas. We need them both!!
Oh good I’m glad you at least have them to use. Hopefully something works out soon that you can get some help. My mom works full time too 🙁
🙂 fingers crossed!! Grandmas should be exempt from working!!
Oh, I am praying for good restful for you! My first child slept very badly for about 6 months — so I did too — and it’s so hard on one’s emotions, spiritual life etc. not to sleep. I’m sure you love it when you can write a positive post, but it’s so helpful for everyone praying for you guys when you also tell us the struggles. Thank you for your honesty and sharing your beautiful, real faith with us (even we who don’t know you)!
Thank you! 🙂 And thanks for taking the time to pray for someone you’ve never met!!! Can’t help but share the struggles from time to time. Blessings!!
If I could give you one gift, I would fly to Texas to care for Gideon and send you, Kevin, and Laynie to the nearest Embassy Suites!
I noticed the mention of melatonin – many kids with PBD take it. Ask your pediatrician a safe dose for Gideon and give it a try!
Love, hugs and support, my friend. We need another sangria date. <3
I just love you friend!!! We do need to hang out! Wish we lived closer!!
I think we are gonna give it a try but I need to ask Rizzo first if that’s gonna mess anything up with Betaine.
Miss you guys!!!!
Good idea! See, even sleep deprived you are thinking. BTW, how is Gideon doing on Betaine? We need to catch up – perhaps we can have a ‘virtual’ get together!
Hugs, love, & positive sleepy vibes,
S
I would love a virtual get together!! Got the Betaine right before Thanksgiving and waited to start because we were traveling. Was gonna start Monday but something came up & now just waiting to hear back from Rachel cooper before we start.
Will be praying for you every night beginning tonight.
Remember: “This too shall pass.” (From the book of Lynn)
Thank you for sharing and having the courage to be real.
Thanks Lynn!! Love you much!
I just said a quick prayer just for you! And, then in my big family prayer later tonight I will include your family as well! I admire you so much! Your sleep is on it’s way, don’t worry! Smile God Loves you!! <3 HUGS!!
Thanks Gracyn!! I got a lot this weekend!! 🙂
That’s awesome, Sam!! So happy for you!! Hope you get some more tonight! 🙂 Hugs!!
Thanks!!