It’s no secret that my family had a very rocky start; and yet, through it all, God has faithfully provided. He’s never left me abandoned to face anything alone. And because of that, I have no doubt that He will continue to carry us through this next chapter with our son, Gideon.

Looking back through my Facebook, I found something that I wrote and posted on November 15, 2009… almost four years ago! If you’ve watched our testimony then you’ll understand how reading this past poem is a blessing to me today…

……………………………………………………………
11.15.09

As I walk into the worship center this morning, I’m surrounded by familiar faces. It’s a typical Sunday morning and everyone makes their way to their usual places.

Many of the members I know are so full of love and so quick to extend God’s grace. After attending the 8 AM service for the past 9 months, many people know of me and of my case.

However, on occasion, there is someone new who does not know my story. And I’m quickly looked down upon, and again feel inadequate of God’s forgiveness and of His glory.

Assumptions and judgments are so often made in great haste. Do they think I intended to be in a situation where the ending has such a bittersweet taste?

I am a sinner- fallen so many times and in so many ways. But this time is different; I cannot hide my sin and I have refused to make the consequence go away.

I want others to know, being a single mom was never a road I intended to take. But my life lived apart from God has brought me here and now I’m fully awake.

It breaks my heart to think that I brought my family any means of disgrace. But it breaks my heart even more to know that my sin has separated me from God and His face.

But I know longer dwell in shame, for my repentance, I have been redeemed. For Christ has gone in before me- He has pled my case and declared me clean.

My future seems so uncertain, and I don’t know what tomorrow may bring. But I know that Jesus loves me, and that I’m still the daughter of the Most-High King.

So I hold fast to God’s truth, “I am forgiven and I am loved.” Even though I walk this road without a husband, I know Christ- my true groom- carries me (and my child) from above.

……………………………………………………………

As I look back on this poem it’s a great reminder of what God has brought me through and how much He loves me. It is easy to see when you look at where my family is today!!! God saw my needs back then and heard my cries. He freed me from my guilt and carried me through what seemed like an impossible situation at the time. And this is just one example of how He’s never left me to walk this life on my own!

I love the Bible story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. Do you remember this story? (If you haven’t read it, please do so! It’s in the book of Daniel, chapter 3.) Just a quick recap, King Nebuchadnezzar had these three men thrown into the blazing furnace because they would not worship the image of gold the king had set up. Of course, after being thrown into the fire, they were unharmed, unbound, and walking around inside the furnace… along with fourth man!! (Daniel 3:25)

Silly as it may sound, I feel as though this story is relevant to my story because of what happened after they were thrown into the fire.  Just like God was with them, He was with me through my unplanned pregnancy. But the best part is that I walked away unbound. Remember how the fire burned only that which bound Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego? I think that’s important to realize in this story, because when we face our own trials, God uses those fires to free us- each in a unique way. On November 15, 2009, God freed me from my bondage of regret, sorrow, guilt and shame. What more could I have asked for?!

When I look back, I am amazed at how God works. I want to encourage you to look back on your own life and ask yourself, what has God brought me through? Even if it didn’t have the ending you were hoping for, can you see the good that has come from it? Can you see how no life experience is wasted when placed in the hands of the Almighty? Hopefully you said yes! But if your answer is no, then I believe that God is not yet finished. He’s in the business of creating beauty from pain. The only question is, will you let Him?

I’ll leave you with Romans 8:28. It’s my favorite verse. I memorized it because it reminds me how good God has been despite my circumstances. I highly recommend memorizing it-

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Looking back, if you have a verse that has been significant in your journey would you please post it in the comment box below so others might be encouraged?

Thanks for sharing!

“Oh, the joys of having my heart broken.” –said no one ever!

When was the last time you found yourself heartbroken? There are an infinite number of things that lead us to heart break – could be anything from unfaithfulness, lies or abuse to sickness, suffering or death. Last Friday I had a break down because I found myself heart broken yet again.

Thursday some very wonderful ladies came out to evaluate Gideon for Auditory Impairment Services. (Mind you, he’s already been receiving Vision Impairment Services for several weeks now). I didn’t think much of their evaluation/questions until Friday morning when the Vision teacher came out to the house. She brought two huge bags for me to keep and they were filled with wonderful toys for children with vision impairment. Before I go any further, let me just say, I’m beyond grateful for these resources. However, as she was going through everything I began to recall some of the questions the ladies from Thursday had asked about Gideon…and then I noticed something.

I began to watch Gideon as the teacher was explaining these new resources. As he played with his own familiar toys that surrounded him, for the first time, I noticed that Gideon never once looked at any of his toys. He felt them and moved his hands around each one, patting/banging on them…but never once did he turn his eyes towards them.

I’m okay admitting to y’all that I lost it! Hoover Dam could not have closed those floodgates!

I knew Gideon’s vision was limited… And I knew the last vision test we did couldn’t have been accurate (because he cried through the entire test). But I didn’t know it was THAT bad. Maybe it’s part of my denial. After all, his health is outstanding (given his diagnosis). No seizures, no feeding tube, no oxygen…yet…And if you’ve met our little guy, you can’t help but think, he doesn’t look like a kid with a terminal disease.

Sorry to be a Debbie-downer here, but ever since Friday I’ve been in a funk. The thought of raising a son who is mostly blind and mostly deaf…how do I do that????? I’m not qualified for this!! And did I mention, it’s just not fair!!! Needless to say, I’ve thrown quite a few pity parties over the past several days… And to be honest, when I’m that down I don’t always run to God’s word (especially when I’m mad at Him). Unfortunately, in my frustration, sometimes I just open Facebook.

But let me tell you something about my God. If there’s a message I need to hear, He makes sure I hear it loud and clear. So who should pop up first in my news feed?  Lysa TerKeurst– Christian author. Here was her status update- “Having a pity party is a good clue that you’re relying on your own strength and not God’s.”

Did you hear that? God totally called me out right there. Plain as day, I’m looking at this from the wrong perspective. I can’t do this… Not without my Lord.

As my heart began to break with all the trials I know I will face, God was telling me that I’m not alone in this journey. He is with me and praise God because I need Him every step of the way. He’s made it clear that His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9) and his yoke is light (Matthew 11:29-30).

My heart has been broken many times over the years. None of course compares to how my heart breaks for my own son (which by the way, God gets that too). I was telling God how much I hate being brokenhearted when I realized something. Even though no one wants to be brokenhearted, it’s actually the best place in life to be. Psalm 34:18 says,

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Are you like me? Are you dwelling in a pit of despair because your heart is broken beyond recognition? Can I tell you something? You’re in good company. Being brokenhearted means being close to the Lord. What better place to be than close to Him? I want you to be encouraged, because your heart won’t stay that way. Psalm 147:3 says,

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

And when it’s all said and done, when God has pieced back together every part of your heart, He will use you to help heal others. “…the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives…” -Isaiah 61:1.

After all, who better to offer encouragement to the brokenhearted, than someone who’s already been there, under the wing of the Almighty Healer?

Praying for all those who are brokenhearted tonight.

I love meeting new people, but I truly treasure meeting people who have a child with special needs. Something about those folks just warms your heart.

Today I met Beth. She’s a mom of four and her youngest, Seth, was born with hydrocephalus (water on the brain). Seth is 2 years old and he is obviously a miracle. I love it when doctors say “this child will never _____.” Mostly because God usually has something different planned.

Meeting Beth was wonderful because she was able share some some things that would help us in our journey. She shared her insight about having a child with visual and auditory impairment. She shared her wisdom and her tears. And before I left she shared this poem that someone had shared with her. I hope you’ll share it as well.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by Emily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this……

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.