I turned 31 today.

I had actually forgotten today was my birthday until my husband wished me a happy birthday. I think this is the norm once we get passed the “my life is over now that I’m 30” bit. Seriously, my birthday just don’t seem as important now. This is actually the first time I’ve forgotten. Maybe I’m finally getting over myself. Or maybe old age is settling in and I’m in denial. It’s probably both.

Laynie’s birthday is tomorrow, so with that (and Thanksgiving) I think my attention has been else where. I didn’t do anything for myself today. In fact, two sweet friends of mine from college had 2 free tickets to Disney on Ice and I gladly took Laynie for some mommy-daughter time.

She was excited that she was getting another early birthday present. In fact, before we went, her Aunt Traci gave her another Elsa dress….this one, for everyday wear of course! So with her new dress and shoes (I forgot to mention the shoes), we headed to a 2 hour ice skating, sing along extravaganza. And honestly, I’m not sure which one of us had more fun.

I did complain on the way out as I reluctantly purchased her a $12 snow cone in a fifty cent Elsa cup. Had it not been her birthday this weekend I would have gladly watched her cry all the way to the car…Blame Dave Ramsey, he taught me how to say no.

We left immediately to a play date that had already been on the calendar and we left immediately from there to go to church. And of course, I had to stop at the grocery store on the way home because we left our fridge empty as we left for Thanksgiving. I wasn’t kidding when I said I didn’t do anything for myself today.

But I think that’s the point as we get older. We don’t wait for one day of the year to do something for ourselves. We take care of those needs as they come. And my needs were more than met this morning right after my daughter woke up. With the sweetest, sleepiest face…and the most awful morning breath, my little Laynie sat in my lap and asked me, “Mommy, is tomorrow my birthday?” I smiled and said “Yes baby, it is.” And without another word spoken, a smile came across her face. She opened her mouth and with morning breath and all, she began to sing…”Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Saaaaaaaam. Happy birthday to you!”

We could’ve wrapped the whole day up with that moment right there. I’ve waited 31 years for the best birthday, and I got it. Because finally I realized, it’s not all about me.

It’s funny how a few  small events can ruin your outlook on something. When friends messaged me yesterday asking how our Thanksgiving went, my initial response was “It was rough.” But when I look back, examining all aspects, was it really… rough?

Not at all! In fact, we had a great thanksgiving and there were so many things to be thankful for! There was lots of laughter among friends and family. There was a ton of food (my mother-in-law spoils us)! My only genuine complaint was that there were not enough rolls because I didn’t get a fourth one!

So why was my initial outlook so negative? Why was I finding it rough to give thanks??

Here’s what happened. The first night we stayed with my in-laws, Gideon was up twice during the night. The second time he was up, it took him an hour to go back to sleep. And of course, he was up at 5 am ready for solids (all of which he puked up just moments after finishing). So the second night we decided to get a hotel. Unfortunately, Gideon didn’t sleep any better, so again we were up for a good part of the night.

Now here’s a little not-so-fun fact about me: I. Need. Sleeeeep!!!  I mean lots of sleep. If I don’t get 8 hours, I’m pretty much the most horrible person you’ve ever met. (So if we cross paths in public, and I’m acting like a witch with a capital B, you can assume I didn’t get much sleep the night before.) But just that one aspect almost ruined my memories of this year’s Thanksgiving holiday. How sad is that?!?

I once heard that for every complaint you have, find three things you are thankful for.. So here’s my thankful list to combat my two sleepless nights over thanksgiving:

• I took a 3 hour nap on Thanksgiving Day
• I didn’t have to cook for two days (many should be thankful for that!)
• I didn’t have to hold Gideon as much because friends & family happily took turns
• I ate more fudge than I care to publicly admit
• I actually had adult conversations that lasted longer than 2 minutes
• When G woke up, my husband got up to help me care for him
• I slept in a bed that I didn’t have to make (thank you Country Suites Inn)
• I  used as much hot water as my heart desired
• I took a 2 mile walk
• I didn’t have to do laundry when I got home because my SIL did ours before we left

When you reflect back on your Thanksgiving Day, I hope you can also say that it was great. If you can’t, search your heart for the reason why. If you’re like me, your reasons are probably just selfish. But don’t worry, once you list out 3 positives for each negative experience, chances are you’ll see the joy that was there all along. And hopefully you’ll feel thankful.

Just to be an over-achiever, I’ve listed some other reasons I’m thankful.

• I serve a God who loves me so much that He sent his Son Jesus to die for me
• I live in the richest nation that affords me many freedoms & opportunities
• My husband is an amazing man who loves the Lord & leads our family spiritually
• My daughter Laynie is joyful & has a heart that is bigger than Texas
• My son Gideon is extremely healthy (given his terminal diagnosis)
• Gideon doesn’t currently have a feeding tube or seizures or medications
• I have the most amazing & supportive parents, sister, and in-laws….EVER!
• My husband has a job that supports me staying home with our children
• Our friends would move mountains to be there for us
• Our church family…well, there just are no words for how wonderful they are
• We have a roof over our heads & food in our pantry
• We have enough money to pay our bills & our cars are paid for
• There’s no lack of opportunity to serve and love the people God places in our lives
• God’s given me breath in my lungs to praise Him for another day

For all these and more, I’m thankful.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Philippians 4:4

Whenever I had my first child, I subscribed to one of those sites that sends you emails once a week about your baby’s progress. It was a wonderful tool with Laynie because she was always doing more than what the site suggested. So naturally when Gideon’s due date got close, I set up the automatic emails again.

When Gideon arrived into world, every doctor suggested something was wrong, but no one could diagnosis him. So like most people in my situation, I was in a bit of denial. Around month three of receiving those emails, I found myself weeping every time I read them. He was so far behind already and I just couldn’t handle facing that truth. I quickly realized those emails were dragging me further into a pit of despair. But it wasn’t until we got Gideon’s diagnosis (at 7 months old) that I actually  unsubscribed from the site. It was so nice to open my inbox and not be reminded of what my child wasn’t accomplishing.

Interestingly enough, I continued to randomly receive those emails; they usually came about every other month. Most of the time I chose not to read them, and would again go through the process to unsubscribe. Nevertheless, they kept coming and eventually I began to read them again. But this time I noticed that I was receiving these emails when I was already having an emotionally rough day.

This morning I chose to sleep late and in doing so I missed my quiet time, didn’t have time to shower, and had to rush to get Gideon to therapy. We got stuck in traffic and as I sat there frustrated, I opened my email and this was at the top of the list.

I showed this to my husband and we just laughed. Gideon may never do any of those things and if he does, we are certainly a long way off.  Satan will bring us down by any means necessary, won’t he?  All the more reason we need to be on alert. 1 Peter 5:8 says, “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” 

I’m very aware of my weak areas. I think that’s why I continue to randomly receive these emails. Satan loves to attack my thoughts and emotions. In fact, I remember after Gideon turned one, I started volunteering in the church nursery every other month. This wasn’t a bad thing, but Satan used it as another reminder of what my child was not able to do. After all, kids Gideon’s age were already walking and he couldn’t even sit up on his own.  I realized that unless I daily developed my relationship with the Lord, I will be at risk of falling back into that pit of despair. John 15:5 says “Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”  

And that’s the truth isn’t it? Apart from God we can’t do anything. I can’t daily raise a child that I know someday I will bury, apart from God. There’s just no other way to make it through another day.

I feel the need to close by saying Gideon is who God made him to be… and that’s hard for people to understand. I’ve wrestled with that truth myself. I wish I could tell you that I knew the answer. The fall of man, free will, sin…. there’s lots of probable explanations. But not even the righteous man Job received a reason for his suffering, so why should I?

Truthfully, we’ll never know this side of Heaven why Gideon has to suffer with this disorder. But I can promise you this, God will redeem his circumstances. (Romans 8:28) And God will be glorified because Gideon’s life will reach the masses. And as Satan seeks to destroy me by any means necessary,  I will tell the story of God’s all sufficient grace until there is no breath left in my body…and I too will do so by any means necessary.