Don’t you love it when someone gives you a statistic? They’re especially fun when you’re about to do something related to that statistic. For example, you go to take a bite of your burger and your friend with the salad says, “Did you know that one out of four Americans are obese?” or “one out of four people will develop heart disease?” Or take for example when I was about to go to college…my mom and dad said, “You have to be careful. One out of four college girls are sexually assaulted.”

Have you ever noticed how the majority of statistics relate to issues that are negative? I can’t remember the last time I heard the positive side of statistics… like someone saying “three out of four people will not die from cancer” or “three out of four people are at a healthy weight.” I guess no matter how you look at it, statistics are still important because they’re informative.

Statistics have always been fun for me…maybe that’s why I loved teaching middle school math. I’m just as bad as everyone else I guess. I used to make sure that my math lessons were always relevant for the kids I taught. I made sure to use examples like “one out of four kids are bullied” and “one out of four people have an STD.” Okay, that last one seems harsh, but it’s true and I always felt like someone should be giving that information to our tweens today, because apparently no one else is…

So back to the reason for my statistical rambling… my daughter turned 4 this past weekend. She had a “Sofia the First” birthday party which worked out well for us, because she got some extra use out of her Halloween costume.  Cute right?

At some point during the party someone asked me about Gideon’s upcoming birthday. He’ll be one in January…crazy to think about. But then that person also asked  me if we were going to have any more kids….

And that’s when the statistic hit. One out of four.

Because my husband and I are carriers of this rare genetic disorder, there is a one out of four chance that we will have another child with peroxisomal biogenesis disorder, or PBD.  So of course my mind has been chewing on this like it did back in August. I mean when you stop and think about those numbers…1 out of 4…sound so daunting. The fear that comes with that statistic is almost to much to bear when I think about my sweet Gideon and having another child suffer with this. And that’s when I began to think about the other side of that statistic…

Three out of four.

You see statistics can be looked at two ways. The way that invokes fear or the way promises hope. I heard a sermon once where the pastor said there are 365 “fear not”s in the Bible. That’s one “fear not” for each day of the year. There are several verses on this topic that I love.  Isaiah 41:10 “Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  Also 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self control.” 

It’s those verses that make me focus on the statistic 3 out 4..because three out of four is not accompanied by fear. Three out of four offers hope… Hope that people around you will not develop heart disease… hope that colleges girls will not be sexually assaulted… Hope that if we have another child, he or she won’t be affected by this horrible disorder.

I can’t say whether or not Kevin and I will have anymore kids. But you know what? If we do, there’s a good (75%) chance our child will be unaffected. However, if we were to fall into the 1 in 4 category again…I’ll continue to cling to God’s Word and verses like Isaiah 41:10. That verse gives a 4 out of 4 kind of statistic, as does the rest of His Book. God always promises to strengthen, to help & to hold us…100% of the time. No matter what life brings.

We couldn’t ask for better odds than that.

We all take things for granted from time to time. Some days are worse than others. But I can honestly say, before Gideon, I had never given a second thought about my ability to see.

I have worried for some time now that my little man was mostly blind. Several of his behaviors and a  young Optometrist (who “understood“) suggested so; but despite that, I was holding out hope until we went to our regular Ophthalmologist.  Last Thursday was that appointment. And the eye test itself, went surprisingly well. Gideon tested both eyes together and even individually- using an eye patch!! Go figure! I thought for sure we would be leaving that office with two kids in tears (I took Laynie too).

Turns out I was the only kid in tears when we left.

I love our Ophthalmologist… His chair-side-manner is great! He is one of a handful of doctors that gets teary-eyed when talking about Gideon‘s condition. After looking at Gideon’s test results, he concluded that he has cortical visual impairment, or CVI. Unfortunately, this form of impairment is caused by a brain problem rather than an eye problem. Given his genetic disorder, I was not surprised.

Another reason I love Dr. Shidlofsky (say that three times fast) is because of how he explains things. He always finds a way to “dumb it down” for me. Thursday he told me that CVI is like having “Swiss cheese vision.” Gideon may pick up pockets of vision from time to time, but he probably won’t be able to make out what he sees. Sadly his test results suggest the visual parts of his brain did not peak very often and when they did, they were low. Needless to say, I’ve done some crying since Thursday.

I’ve been putting off writing about this because my heart is heavy….and because frankly, I’m down right mad. In a weird way, I feel like I’ve been blinded. I’ve been struggling to see the positive side of all this and like most people in my situation would, I find myself going through stages where I am angry…so angry, I can’t shut off the tears. I feel like I’m in a fog and I can’t see two feet in front of me. I know others have been blessed by our journey, but most days I don’t feel blessed by this. Like many before me, I keep asking God why has this been allowed to happen to us?

A couple of days ago, I re-read the story of how Jesus healed a blind man. In the past, I had not paid much attention to the verses before the healing…

John 9: 1-3, says As He went along, He saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

Let me just clarify, while that verse speaks volumes as to the “why” we are going through this, I still don’t like it. I hope my honesty doesn’t offend anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still confident God knows best, but at the end of another weary day, I Still. Don’t. Like. It!

Am I the only one who struggles with this?? Has God allowed something to come into your life that’s blinded you, but at it’s core you know it will bless you and/or others? Have you thrown your hands up like me and said, “Please God, bless someone else!”

God being glorified is the why to all this. But I’m completely blind as to what God has in mind for the bigger picture. I know one day (maybe not this side of Heaven) our eyes will be open to the magnitude of all this. We will be able to see what God was doing all along. But for now….today….I’m blind…and sad.

I find it interesting that God allowed Gideon to have ‘light perception.’ No matter where we are, Gideon always turns his eyes up towards the light. Watching him do that today reminded me of Psalm 121:1. “I lift up my eyes to the mountains- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”

Maybe that’s one of Gideon’s purposes in life…to remind me, and maybe you, to turn our eyes up…towards what we can see, The Light.